Stupid Adventures of Favorite Characters
by E.Mahiru
Summary: Ficlets! Pairings differ, some don't have pairings. Mostly rated K, but a few rated T I think. GO EDWARD! Please give me suggestions! I will use anything as long as it's not dirty. GORGONZOLA
1. Chapter 1

Name: Creak

Pairings: None

_creeeak._

_Cre-EAK._

_CREAK!_

Ed's eyes flew open. Was something trying to get his attention?

_creeeak._

Was that the door hinge?

_Cre-EEK._

It sounded emphatic, trying to get his attention. '_Creepy. I'll shut the door.._." Ed closed his eyes.

_CREAK!_ It demanded.

Ed jumped up and started towards the door that was really truly beginning to freak him out. It was pitch black and raining and cold. Suddenly, a flash of lightning illuminated the room. And there, standing in the doorway, was Winry.

Her chrome ponytail swung back and forth behind her head like a steel pendulum and her unseeing eyes were shadowed by iron facial features. Her hinged mouth dropped open happily.

"_creeeak." _she said.

"W-W-Winry?!" Ed yelled. Shaking, he fell over.

_"Cre-EAK!" _She seemed irritated with him. She took a step forward, straight, stiff legs bending almost imperceptibly. He could only stare up at the robot happily looking down at him.

_"CREAK!"_ it scolded.

"**_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!"_**

Ed screamed and ran past it, out the door and into the hall. It turned and sped after him, sliding on the floor inst ead of walking. Ed screamed again and shot down the stairs and out the door into the rainy night and hid under the porch while the robot searched for him.

At last he fell asleep, oblivious to the riotous laughter above him inside the house. "Ahahahah! Only you could make something like that, Winry. Big Brother was scared to death!"

"He'll probably have nightmares. This was the perfect night for it!" Pinako cackled

"Oh man, I'm laughing so hard I can't breath. I've never seen Ed run that fast." Winry panted.

"I guess I should go carry him in. I hope he doesn't run away, but I can't hear his heartbeat anymore, so either he's dead or asleep!"

This brought another round of laughter from the mischeivous trio.

The next morning, Ed calmly told Al they should get back to Central that day. "I need to talk to Sheska, that's all." He said.

"Nothing else." he said.


	2. What's For Dinner

Chap. 2.

Name: What's for Dinner

Pairings: none

FullMetal marched grimly down East Central HQ's main hallway, heading to Mustang's office. Alphonse was secretly following him from a few yards away to make sure that he didn't kill Flame or do anything drastic if he got teased.

Suddenly, Havoc stepped out in front of Ed. "Oh, hey there Edward!" his tone was way too enthusiastic.

"Hey Lieutenant. What's up?"

"Well, uh, if you're reporting to Roy, he's not here right now." Ed narrowed his eyes.

"That bastard said he'd be here!" He started marching faster. From behind him, he heard Havoc call "Mayday! Uh, there's a client!"

Ed ignored him. Maybe another girl had broken up with him. Hawkeye suddenly appeared.

"I wouldn't report right now if I were you." She told him in her severe tone.

"So he IS here!" Ed kept going. Fuery stepped out of a doorway and almost collided wtih him. "Uh-You really don't want to go in there! Or near there right now." Ed stared at him. He was going to find out what they were trying to hide. He marched past.

Falman, coming out of the bathroom, was much more casual. "Oh, hello FullMetal."

"Hi." Ed snapped.

"Here to report?"

"Yeah."

"I was just wondering, do you know how to transmute air like the Colonel?" Ed looked at him.

"Um...I'm not sure. I could try."

"Well, the thing is, um...There's a bunch of dust floating around one of the hallways and we need to clear it up. Cold you try? The Colonel already refused, so...Come on." he started to lead the way past Roy's office up ahead. Ed didn't fall for it. Breda popped out suddenly, blocking Ed's view obviously with his body as he shifted side to side in front of Ed.

"Say, ever played Shogi? I could teach you. Come on!"

"WHAT'S GOING ON?" Ed yelled, trying to dash past Breda.

"Brother, NO!" Al grabbed him and hauled him out of the building.

As soon as he set Ed down though, Edward dashed back inside, somersaulted past Hawkeye and her handgun, jumped over Fuery, dodged past Falman and Breda-

And froze in front of Mustang's office door. There was a poster taped to it. In big black letters it read:

**SHRIMP. IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER**

Under it was a cooked shrimp, on which a red jacket had been drawn.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Roys stepped oout of his office, watching FullMetal leave. What had gone wrong? He looked at his door where the poster he was sure would incur the wrath of the shrimp God should have been. Instead, it had been replaced with a slighly different one that read:

**TOMORROW'S WEATHER REPORT: RAINY**

**TOMORROW'S MUSTANG REPORT: USELESS**

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

That day would go down in history as the day when the FullMetal and Flame alchemists had to rebuild East Central out of ashes.

Neither came out of it unscathed.


	3. Mass Destruction in the Name of Sanity

Chap. 3

Name: Massive Destruction Towards The Cause of Sanity

Pairings: none

Author's note: My sister, who doesn't yet have a pen name, gave me the wonderful inspiration for the Major's part in this story, and was generous enough to let me use her idea. And helped me with the name.

Roy Mustang was sitting on the floor of his office pulling his hair out. He'd finally met his match. It had not been a good experience for him.

_Bzzzzzzzzzzz_

"AUGH!" Roy snapped his fingers again, effectively setting his couch ablaze. His desk-chair was already heating the room quite nicely and his desk was blackened on all four corners, but not quite on fire.

Hawkeye appeared in the doorway and jumped as a flame shot past her at the wall. "Aaah! Colonel!" she yelled, out of character and disturbed at the charred/burning surroundings.

"It's a fly, lieutenant." Mustang informed her. It came to buzz around his head for the 400,000,000nth time. Roy set his hair on fire before Hawkeye could even draw her handgun. Ignoring Mustangs' rubbing-his-head-in-the-carpet-to-put-the-fire-out motions, she watched the fly land on his lamp.

**BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!**

Roy torched the bookcase where it landed, diminishing it to a pile of ash, ignoring the fire the lamp had started when it hit the carpet. A polite knock on the door caused it to collapse on its burnt self, revealing a concerned Major Armstrong. "Colonel? Lieutenant? Is everything alright?" he asked, sure of the answer already.

"Nothing to worry about Major, just a bothersome fly." Hawkeye told him calmly. "Ah! Is that so? Let me assist you in getting rid of it for good!" Armstrong quickly transmuted the lamp that had set some of the carpet on fire. Thankfully, it hadn't spread past the deskchair/bonfire yet. "That's quite alrih Major. There's no need to trouble yourself." Hawkeye replied.

"Nonsense! It will be no problem for me using the secret Fly-Swatting technique passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" And with that, Alex charged the charred wall where the fly was perched and slammed his fly-swatter through it, revealing a frightened secretary. '_I never knew she worked right behind me.'_ Roy thought before realizing that the walls and his desk were taking serious damage at the Major's hands.

"Major! Please don't damage the walls any further! I"ll handle this." Hawkeye snapped.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM-FOOM! Roy torched the ceiling only to have the fly reappear right next to the Major.

"I've got it!" yelled Roy

"I've got it!" Riza snapped

"I have you!" Armstrong cried out

FOOOOOM!

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

THWACK CRACK SMASH

The fly landed safely on the wall next to the door that connected Mustang's office ot the rest of his suboordinates'. Roy held up his hand, Riza cocked her gun and Armstrong began to charge-

When Havoc walked in, cigarette in hand.

"What are you guys doing?" he asked, putting his cigarette out on the fly. It buzzed feebly, then fell to the floor as Havoc lit up another cigarette. "Seriously, this office looks like a volcano erupted in here."

They all gaped, mouths hanging open like dead fish. Finally, Roy broke the awkward silence with even more awkwardness.

"Hooray Havoc!" he yelled. Everyone gaped at him as he jumped for joy around his destroyed office.


	4. First and Worst

Chap. 4

Name: First and Worst

Pairings: RoyEd

**Ah! In previous chapters, I couldn't figure out how to add Author Notes! I feel like such a dork! Anyway, for Chap 3 I have to thank Sesshomaru'sSaphireMaiden for contributing to the story (she thought up the Major's part) and helped me with the name here. **

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Ed was lounging on the Colonel's couch reading yet another ancient alchemy textbook, when Roy finished another pile of paperwork, and apparently decided to celebrate by asking Ed "Say _FullMetal,_" he purred Ed's alias out. "Would you like to come with me to a rodeo tomorrow? It'll be fun."

Ed looked up, just a little surprised.

"Like on a date? We've never done that before."

"You could call it that."

"Yeah sure I'll come, _Flame._" Ed tried to copy Mustang's purr. It came out like a sarcastic growl. Roy smirked. Ed scowled. "I'll come over there and suffocate you if you don't wipe that smirk off your face."

"Don't you mean 'kiss me because I'm so charming' ?" Roy sighed.

"Is that a challenge?"

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The next morning (Saturday) Ed showed up at Roy's house at 7 am sharp and knocked on the door. It took a while for Roy to come to the door, and even then he didn't have a shirt on. "mmph...ED?" Ed stared at Roy's unshaven, puffy face adorned with sleep-spiked hair. "You didn't tell me what time." Ed told him pointedly.

Roy gaped. "10!" he gaped again.

Ed just stood there.

"Oh good grief Edward. Come in then if you'ore going to insist on showing up 3 hours early." Ed grinned and went to look for snacks in Roy's fridge while Roy got dressed upstairs.

In only ten minutes, he was down in the kitchen looking as if he'd been awake for hours. Ed was eating an ice cream bar he'd found. "E---d." Roy whined "It's only 7:30 and that was my last one."

"Sorry. You want it?" Ed held it out. Roy just sighed and shook his head. After Roy ate some leftover pea soup Ed had disdained, they spent 3 hours playing Scrabble. Edward won all 5 rounds hands-down. Roy was glad to leave.

Ed watched intently as Roy drove, and Mustang knew he was trying to figure the machine out.

That was why driving with Ed was fun. He didn't ask questions, he'd just stare so intently at the dashboard or steering wheel you thought he must see something there that no one else could.

XxXxXx

Roy picked Ed up by the waist and set him on the arena fence so he could see, ignoring Ed's quiet threats and insults. "I can see fine down there. I'm going to make you eat your own foot for this. Stop pushing on me, I'm coming down. Stop pushing or I'll poke your eye out."

Ed finally settled on the fence above Mustang when the roping started. For a while, Ed and Roy watched intently. Just as Roy was starting to get bored, one of the cowboys came riding up to the fence where Ed was seated.

"Hey pardner! How would a boy like you like to help us cowboys out?" he drawled in such a way that told everyone he thought Ed was maybe 9.

"What!"

"Well, we'yere missin' a calf. So what you's gonna do see, is just run around this arena a few times for us, alright, pardner?" Ed just stared at him. Roy smirked. How had he known to bring a camera in his pocket? He pushed Ed hard enough to knock him off the other side of the fence.

"Alright! Boys, we got us a calf! A little yellow 'un." The crowd all laughed. Ed didn't know what do do. He stood, frozen by embarassment just a little ways away from the fence. Suddenly, the starting bell clanged, spooking Ed who tried to run back towards Mustang. A horse was already waiting for him. Ed hit the ground and rolled to avoid the lasso, then popped up again and sprinted away. The two riders converged behind him and readied their ropes. Ed threw himself sideways out of the way. The announcer was having the time of his life: "WHOA! There 'e goes! He's a trickly little one!" was repeated at least ten times before Ed circled back towards Roy. But the cowboys weren't about to let him escape. Just as he got close to enough for Roy to see how hard he was breathing, two ropes flew out behind him simultaneously, one around his arms and one around his left (automail) leg.

The two men made a big show of dragging Ed gently around the arena before releasing him, at which point he came flying towards Roy, took a running leap over the 6 foot fence and crashed into Mustang, who was laughing so hard he let Ed pull him back to the car. As soon as they were out of sight of the arena, Ed glared at Roy. "I'm NEVER going on a date with you again." he snarled. Roy just laughed. "Come on now Edward. Think of all the great pictures we have to remember it by." he said, pulling out his little camera.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXx xx

The next day, Fuery brought in a newspaper to show everyone. In big black letters on the front page read

"TWO STATE ALCHEMISTS SURVIVE CAR CRASH, WALK BACK TO CENTRAL."

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**I'm working on another one, so I should update soon if you leave lots of reviews!**

**Thanks so much for reading!**


	5. Consequences of an Intentional MixUp

**Hey! If anyone has any suggestions for ficlets, just review and suggest! I can work with any theme like "Roy spills coffee" or "Ed can't find his ", so just send them in and I'll see what I can do! I can't guarantee they'll be top notch, but I'll do my best.**

**---------------------------**

Name:

Pairings: RoyEd

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Roy opened his eyes slowly, taking in the view of his ceiling very slowly. He looked around his bedroom, searching for something. He slowly wandered the rest of the little house, before circling back to the kitchen. Hunh. Edward must have already gone out.

Roy noticed a note stuck to the refrigerator.

"Roy,

I've gone to the library, just thought of something to check on the stone. If you need me, you know where I am."

Roy yawned disappointedly and opened the fridge door to check for edibles. Some moldy cheese, 3 moldy bagels, something that might have been either an avocado or a plum, Roy couldn't tell. Then there were two tubs of putrid mystery leftovers. Roy sighed and checked the cupboard. Score! Cheerios. Roy went back to the fridge, thinking he'd definitely seen a milk carton in there. He opened it and peered in. One great, yellow solid mass stared back at him. "Ugh." Roy sighed, putting the cheerios away. "Wait a minute..." Roy thought for a moment. That yellow stuff...was technically...cheese, wasn't it? Maybe it was okay to eat. Maybe he'd just discovered a great new way to make a great new kind of cheese, despite the funky smell it had saturated the kitchen with. Roy brought it back out, opened it and sniffed it curiously.

Nope, nope. There was no way in hell he was putting something that funky in his mouth. Oh well. Roy decided he'd just have to take Ed out to breakfast then. He went upstairs to get dressed.

Roy thought it was odd that the pair of blue pants he'd hung up last night weren't in the closet anymore, but he shrugged and pulled out an extra pair from the dresser. His white shirt was gone too though. Frowning slightly, he pulled on a black T-shirt. As he brushed his teeth though, he decided he couldn't go to work later, or be seen in public for that matter, looking like a punk. But ALL his button-downs were gone. He groaned and pulled on a fire-station red knit sweater. Edward had to be behind this, he thought, stomping downstairs. His boots were missing too, dammit. But in their place, was a pair of punkish black boots with straps all over them. He was going to KILL Ed.

Edward heard someone stomping very loudly into the library and knew he'd better disappear.

He was doing fine, getting closer and closer to the door as he silently slipped through the aisles of books, until he got a good look at Roy from the back. He snorted loudly, trying to suppress laughter at Roy's bright red turtleneck knit and awkward gait as he lurched around in Ed's boots. He swiveled around, eyes locking onto Edward in a way that did not bode well for the latter. Ed dashed out the door, down the main hall, out onto the street and started heading toward the park with Roy on his heels.

Crap! Roy's faster than I thought he'd be!

Ed shot up a tree then jumped down when flames singed the white button-down he'd taken, landing in a crouch. Slipping sideways behind the tree as flames shot past his hip. Panting, he looked down at a young girl who asked him "Are you playing tag?"

Her little brown pigtails whirled around her head as she jumped up and down in excitement. "Sort of. But it's dangerous!" Ed grabbed her and dashed around the tree away from the flames. "WOW!" she squealed. "Will you be my big brother?" she asked randomly as Ed picked her up again and ran to another big oak tree. "Don't you already have one, kid?" Replied a very distracted Ed. "No! I'm all alone and my name's Nina!"

"That's a nice name, but you're going to have to go hide now, kay? We'll play hide and seek now, kay?"

"Yayy! Come and find me quick big brother!" She squealed, diving into a bush. Roy shot from the other side of the tree, about to snap his fingers when his (Ed's ) boots lost traction in the slippery grass. Ed watched him just long enough to see him go down in a big pile of dog poo. Ed high-tailed it toward the other end of the park, speeding up when Roy started screaming for him to "Get back here RIGHT NOW!" Ed hid behind another tree, panting. Roy's boots were falling off his feet and he was having to work harder as a result. Flames shot past the tree again, but Ed wasn't ready to move. Roy would have to get closer to damage-Bzzzz! Ed looked up in shock at the burning beehive he'd missed before. "Ahhhh!" Ed flew out into the open, trailed closely by a cloud of violent bees. Roy was coming at him from an angle to intercept a getaway, fingers pushed against each other, ready to snap. Ed dove and rolled under a picnic table, only to realize he was trapped. The bees were now under the table with him and Roy was snapping his fingers on both hands.

FOOM!

The explosion shook Ed's body to the core, not to mention scared the crap out of him. It did saute most of the bees though. Ed scrambled to another tree, but Roy was done messing around.

FOOM! FOOM!

The tree lit up in a display of flames and destruction only a true pyromaniac could not be terrified of. Ed started to panic. During his mad dash to the next tree he screamed. "It was just a joke! Chill out!" Roy proceeded to send two walls of flames around Edward, cutting him off from any trees or picnic tables still standing. Ed transmuted a barrier and Roy send a tidal wave of fire over it.

"ROOOOOOOY! DON'T KILL ME!" Ed screamed. He was trapped.

It was around that time that at the other end of the park, a friendly young military officer found Nina. She was calling Ed's name, looking out of her bush.

"Excuse me, little miss. Do you know this boy?" he asked, holding out a picture of Ed that was clipped to his military profile. "Uh-huh. He's my big brother and he's supposed to be playing hide and seek with me." She told the man solemnly. "Ahh...I see." he said.

"Big brother is playing tag with the Red Fire-Man." she told him.

The man nodded and thanked her, then turned to shout at the other officers making their way slowly and reluctantly toward the flames. "Identities confirmed! Call Lieutenant Hawkeye!"

"Right away sir!"

"I DARE you to come out." Roy grinned maniacally. Edward had transmuted a little cave and was hiding in it. Roy couldn't get to the opening because he'd set everything around it on fire.

"Colonel! Halt!" Riza snapped. Roy jumped. "Lieutenant Hawkeye?"

"Sir! You're already in enough trouble without frying-Edward-until-he-closely-resembles-a-deep-fried-Twinkie!" Riza snapped again.

Roy sighed. "Alright then. I suppose I did get carried away...Good luck rescuing Edward." he told another officer in a flame proof suit edging toward Ed's cave.

Later that night, Roy and Ed walked in the door. Both looked worn out, but all it took was for Ed to say, for the hundredth time since they'd left the park, that Roy was a master of the overreaction.

"Do you KNOW how embarrassing it was having to speak to my superiors dressed like this?"

"Give a rest, Master."

"That's it! Time for you to be embarrassed!" Ed grinned.

"Just try it."

The next morning, all personnel in East Headquarters walked halls lined with posters picturing Ed in a bubble bath. Bright red and yelling at the camera, a rubber duckie sitting on his head, Ed could not have been more embarrassed.

Roy knew the truth of this statement when, instead of blowing up at him, Ed came into his office that morning and sheepishly told him he was going home. Roy grinned.

"Going to take a bath?" Ed's eyes grew huge with horror.

"Never again." his said in a pitifully soft voice.

"How could you? I thought you burned those." Ed was so upset it freaked Mustang out. Still when Ed left for home, Roy stood and stretched.

"Flame 2, FullMetal 0."

He laughed maniacally.


	6. Blue Angel

**OK, this one is for **Akama Star- Flying Alchemist **'cause she suggested it. I don't know if this is really what she was thinking of when she did, but here goes!**

**----------------------------**

Name: Blue Angel (or Racist, whichever)

Pairings: HavocxOC

She walked down the hall, a reptilian grace to her stride. That blue...Why did it look to Ed as though her angelic face had a blue tinge to it? Why did that long fine hair seem such a deep, soul-deep even, indigo? And the blue aura that surrounded and framed her perfect beauty. Ed stared as she strode down the hall in a pale dress with flowing sleeves. It only came down a ways above her knees, revealing shaped, round blue legs. Ed wanted to protect her wait on her and cherish her. But he'd never even seen her before. Who was she? As she walked past Roy's office door he opened it and stared out at her. There were an unusually high number of military officers crowding the hall now as Ed pushed his way toward the blue angel. He saw Roy step up to her and open his mouth. She held up her hand, gracefully cutting him off. She handed him a tiny pot holding a delicate spider-plant. He accepted it carefully with both hands and quickly took it back to his office. As Ed went past the office door in his pursuit of the girl, he saw Roy trying to kiss the poor potted plant. He quickly pushed past, very disturbed.

As she continued to walk the hall, Ed saw military officers starting to bite their nails like nervous beavers, all following behind her and some of them started to drool. Then she took a turn toward the cafeteria and as she did so, unfurled periwinkle blue wings and flapped them gently once or twice, dispersing some fine blue powder from them. Ed watched in amazement as female military officers started to follow her as well, including Hawkeye. Riza shyly offered her most prized possession, her handgun, to the woman. Nearby, Major Armstrong started singing an Italian opera that no one could understand. Everyone followed her out the door and to the museum which was 10 walking minutes away. Some unfortunate drooling few were mowed over by automobiles on the way and one woman had fallen into an open manhole, but other than that they all made it safely to the local art museum. Here their numbers dwindled as one by one they were escorted outside for either scaring other visitors or trying to lick paintings the blue angel had looked at. Ed couldn't stand it. She was so beautiful and innocent and flawless it hurt him. What would he do or say if he got her attention? He was a guilty, scarred boy with steel limbs. But all the same he had to try. Finally he pushed forward and said "Excuse me, Miss." She turned and smiled and Ed didn't want to say a word because he knew once he opened his mouth again, she would probably stop smiling. But after a moment, he did open his mouth. "Who are you? You're very beautiful."

"Why thank you." She said, sweet as strawberries dipped in honey.

"I forgot what my name was supposed to be, so you can call me Pickle OK? Mom said I lost some memory power when she combined me with a bird and that lizard didn't help either. I guess that makes me a bird brain, doesn't it?" She giggled. Ed was speechless. He could only gape at her.

Havoc appeared out of nowhere with a bouquet of blue roses. "Hey gorgeous!...Honey, what did you do to those personnel?"

"OH, I just transmuted the oxygen out of the air. Not all of it, but it's funny to watch them act weird! she sounded like a 7 year old. Ed finally snapped out of it as Havoc and angel began to walk away. "Wait! Havoc! She's a bird! A chimera-bird! She could be dangerous! And alchemy! She can do alchemy too!"

Havoc turned with an irritated scowl on his face. "I know that Edward. Don't be racist. Jeez." he said, turning back to "Pickle".

"Kids can be so rude Honey."


	7. Dairy Shoot

**Hey! This one's for kee-tay who suggested the idea. I hope you like it.**

**-----------------------**

Name: Dairy Shoot

Pairings:none

Colonel Roy Mustang took a deep breath and held it as he walked in the doors of Central HQ. There were a lot of good reasons to want to be stationed here instead of East Central, mostly promotional ones, but the truth was, East HQ was a lot cleaner. Out in the desert all you'd track in on your boots was sand, not all the wet mud and soil that came in here. As if that weren't enough, Roy would swear that 2 out of 3 days he and Hawkeye were the only officers who managed not to step in dog poop, horse poop, bird poop or any other kind of poop that Central could possibly supply soldiers on their way to work with. Roy didn't know why that was, just tried to keep it out of his own office.

East HQ had also had a janitor. That meant that backed up toilets were properly taken care of, unlike here where bored officers that got tired of the blockage stuck explosives in them. Roy had learned to stay away from the bathroom doors the hard way. He couldn't always avoid having to use the bathroom though. Hawkeye always knew when he needed to get home in a hurry for that reason, because he would start blowing through his paperwork like an angry hurricane with a pen.

Yes, Central had its problems. But Roy Mustang's were about to get worse.

Roy stretched. Finally his desk was clear of paperwork. Finally he could get out of this stinking place. He stepped out of his office and saw Havoc and Breda following another officer toward the bathroom. Roy was instantly worried. If the officer out-ranked his lieutenants then he might be ordering them into a trap. The bathroom here could truly be a dangerous place.

"Havoc! Breda! Where do you think you're going?" Roy's only way of saving them would be to pull rank on the guy leading them. Oh why didn't he try harder to remember people though? If this guy out-ranked him, they were all in trouble. He couldn't remember ever having seen the guy before.

Havoc and Breda froze. "Uh, just to the bathroom, sir."

"Well get back in my office NOW." Roy snapped. They jumped, saluted and came to follow Roy. Roy turned too quickly to catch the wink Havoc sent to the mystery officer.

"You wanted to see us, sir?" Breda grunted.

"I just needed an excuse to get you away from that officer. I thought he might be planning to do something to the two of you."

"Oh. No it's okay sir."

"Oh. Well alright then. I'm going home."

Riza nodded at Roy as he went out, and began to tidy her own desk. As she took her jacket from the back of her chair, she heard screaming in the hall. She could hear two distinct voices: Roy and the FullMetal Alchemist. Riza rushed out to find both screaming incoherently at eachother while Ed waved a dark plastic-wrapped package of some sort in Roy's face. Riza took aim carefully, and when Ed's hand came far enough back from the Colonel's head-BLAM!

Ed and Roy were covered head to toe in something brown and steaming. Riza sniffed. Brown gravy. Well, that was better than some things it could have been...

Ed and Roy turned to stare at Hawkeye. She gulped quietly and retreated to her office. Ed's face darkened and he ran off as Roy realized that the mob of people walking down the hallway were actually bodyguards walking around the Fuhrer. Roy's eyes bugged out. _'NOT NOW! Noooo._' Roy thought.

"Colonel Mustang." Roy saluted. The Fuhrer opened his mouth to say something-WHAP! GLACK! KABOOOOOM!

Havoc, Breda and two officers came literally flying out of the bathroom covered in you-can-guess-what. They were all laughing hysterically until they noticed the Colonel and the Fuhrer. Four mouths made themselves into perfect O's as Roy reached for his gloves. From Roy's office though, a loud womanly scream shattered glass windows and a few eardrums. It sounded angry. Hawkeye slammed out into the hall covered in strawberry smoothie.

"SOMEONE. Hung this over my desk and set up a candle-burns-rope mechanism so it would fall on me!" She hissed, waving a foam cup with a very small amount of smoothie left in it. Her eyes bugged out as she realized the Fuhrer was standing almost right next to her.

"Colonel Mustang, from what I have just witnessed, I think you and your subordinates are the perfect candidates to clean up this building. the Fuhrer said. He sounded irritated. One of his bodyguards stepped forward with a plunger, a bucket of cleaning supplies and a rag and handed them to Mustang. "See that this building is spic and span by morning, Colonel." The Fuhrer said in a threatening tone.

5 hours later, Riza, Roy, Jean and Heymans (Breda) sat on the front step outside a now-sparkling Central HQ. "I'm too tired to go home." Bred groaned. Hawkeye and Roy nodded to that. Havoc sighed. "Well I'm going home for a bath. Give me the key so I can go lock up." Roy nodded and gave Havoc a key. "Wait here. I have to go lock my office first." he said, trudging inside.

Pulling his office door shut and inserting the key he heard a squeaking noise. Pausing, he listened.

"...Me...Wait for me...WAIT FOR ME!" Roy opened his door and looked around.

"$#&!!!" he heard. He headed to his desk.

"$&&#! Damn and $#&." he heard. Suddenly, his eyes bugged out. _'Oh my God. Is there really someone-_' Roy opened the bottom drawer of his desk. It was the biggest and inside was a very nervous, uncomfortable looking Edward Elric. Squeezed in around him were 5 brightly colored plastic water guns.

Roy glared at Ed.

"Hi, Colonel."

"What the hell are you doing in my drawer?"

"ehehehehe..." Ed scrambled out of the drawer and squirted Roy in the face, but not with water-Milk!" Roy coughed and spluttered. He hadn't seen that coming. "FULLMETAL!" Ed was off like a shot down the hall. Tired as he was, Roy was mad as hell. But when he caught up to Ed, Ed squirted him with another gun-yogurt! Roy choked on it and had to stop to wipe his face with his jacket. _'Ed. Is Dead_.'

Havoc had come in to look for Roy he'd been gone so long. Suddenly Ed came crashing toward him, then hit the breaks and turned around when Havoc tried to grab him. Without aiming, Edward fired random blasts of yogurt and milk over his shoulder. Havoc went red as a beet. 5 hours cleaning this place up and here was Ed shooting yogurt everywhere, dammit. Havoc was tired though and lost Ed after he slipped in some yogurt and banged his face on a water-fountain.

Ed dashed down the halls as fast as his legs could carry him. Thanks to Havoc he'd have to take a loop around to get back to the front door, which also meant he might run into Roy again. This part of his plan for revenge was getting very risky. But Mustang and Hawkeye had deserved it. First Mustang sent him to get information from an old man who lived in Central who was supposed to know what the secret ingredient to the stone was, and then the man had told Ed, in a very dramatic fashion, that the secret to the stone was brown gravy. So he'd brought the gravy back to Mustang and Hawkeye had to go and shoot it. Hawkeye had been punished with strawberry smoothie, but then Ed had gotten stuck in that damn drawer and- Roy jumped out of his office behind Ed and tried to grab him. Ed sped up, shooting more yogurt over his shoulder. He could see the door now. If he could just get out of the building, he could find a place to hide. He was almost there-

Havoc tackled him against the wall. Ed slipped away from him to squirt him in the face with milk and then turn to give Mustang a face-full.

Riza and Breda stepped in to see what was going on. Ed gulped.

Hawkeye had never looked so scary. She pulled both guns while Breda started to blow smoke out his ears. All four officers surrounded Ed, who pulled two guns full of yogurt and coated all of them head-to-toe. Rolling between Roy and Breda he took off down the hall to the office he'd hidden his extra yogurt and milk in.

30 minutes and 9 gallons of yogurt later, Ed was trapped and cornered in Major Armstrong's office. He was shaking as Riza held him at gunpoint and Roy and Heymans closed in on him. Havoc was guarding the door. Mustang and Breda tied him to a chair. Hawkeye nodded and the 3 men each picked up a gallon jug of milk from Ed's own stash.

"Ready Ed? Time to die-from drowning in milk!" Mustang cackled.

"NOOOOO-" Ed's scream was drowned out by the milk being poured over his head.

The next morning, Major Armstrong found an unconscious FullMetal Alchemist in his office along with a note from Roy, Riza, Havoc and Breda saying they'd left the country and weren't coming back and also that Ed was the one who shot yogurt everywhere and should, therefore, have to clean it up. If he was still alive.

Alex didn't quite know what to do.

---------------

**Once again, if you have any ideas, please review and tell me and I'll write something up! Special Thank You's to Akama Star Flying Alchemist for the first suggestion (Blue Angel) and kee-tay for this one! (Dairy Shoot)**


	8. Lucky Lollipop

**Hi there! Sorry for the long wait! Here's a little RoyEd for you!**

**To Roy-Fan-33 I'm sorry I haven't posted the ficlet for you suggestion yet, but I'm afraid inspiration has been little lately. I don't want to take your awesome idea and have it turn out only mildly funny, so I'm waiting for something REALLY good, ok? It will be up one of these days, I really am working on it.**

**----------------------------------------**

**Name: Lucky Lollipop**

**Pairings: RoyEd, RizaRoy**

_'Aaaargh. What is wrong with Mustang today?' _Ed growled mentally. The man had stared at him, intensely observing his mouth the WHOLE time Ed had been reporting, and then recommended that Ed go to the hospital. Even weirder, he wouldn't say why, just gave Ed a funny look. Ed wasn't sure if the look meant Mustang was worried or scared. And even Lt. Hawkeye and her favorite handgun hadn't been able to stop Mustang from stalking him. When Ed finally realized there was no way Mustang was just going to leave him alone, the boy walked back to Roy's office and stood in the doorway, beckoning the Colonel into the room and then slamming the door shut.

"OK. That's it. What the hell is up with you? Why are you stalking me and staring at me and saying I should go to the hospital and all that crap?"

"Oh-. Oh Ed...I'm just a little worried about..." Roy seemed flustered as he took out a hand mirror and put it in front of Ed.

"Open your mouth." Roy told him. Ed opened his mouth and saw a disturbing shade of blue. Sticking his tongue out to get a better look, he told Roy

"Ohh...That's just from a lollipop I ate a while ago. Sheesh."

"Oh. OK then...Whew...I wasn't sure..." he trailed off. Ed rolled his eyes and turned to walk out the door when Roy stopped him.

"It looks so weird. At least let me clean some of it off."

"Huh? Off my tongue? How?" Roy grinned.

"You'll like it." He said, pressing his mouth over Ed's "Oh."

Roy pulled back and Ed licked his lips.

"I don't think it's coming off."

"Me neither."

Hawkeye shut her previously ignored adjoining office door, trying not to wonder what would happen if she ate a lollipop...

**-----------------------------------------**

**Wow! That was a short one. And a goofy one. Hope you liked it! Suggestions are always welcome!!**


	9. The Sound of Yogurt

**Yay! I finally came up with something on my own! I only needed a teensy-bit of help from Sesshomaru'sSaphireMaiden this time!**

**Warnings: Extreme stupidity, horrible sounds and bad lyric-changes to classic songs.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist, The Sound of Music, or Yoplait yogurt, because if I did own Yoplait, there would be no more yogurt left to sell to anyone. My favorite flavors are currently strawberry/kiwi, strawberry, and strawberry mango. Peach used to be my favorite flavor, but I got tired of it. I hate raspberry, blackberry and especially boysenberry flavor!!**

**----------------------------**

_krrrk _

_krrr_

_krk_

Roy looked up at Ed sitting on his couch scraping yogurt from a plastic cup with a plastic spoon. Ed grinned at him and Roy smiled sweetly back.

"Can I have some?" the colonel asked. Ed shook his head, looking down at his spoon scraping the sides of the plastic yoplait container.

_krrrk_

_krrrrr_

_krk_

"I know you just want to take it away from me. You don't like cherry flavor." Ed replied. Roy sighed.

"Out then. Out."

"Hmph." Ed marched out. Roy heard him lock the door on his way, and rolled his eyes.

Two minutes later, the loudspeaker blared suddenly, scaring the crap out of Roy. He glared up at it before the words blaring out began to register in his mind.

"Hi, I'm just here to respond to a request from Colonel Roy Mustang, who said he'd like to hear a musical. Apparently, it helps him work. Well then, Colonel, what I can do for you is run a little take-off from The Sound of Music, called The Sound of Yogurt." Roy's eyes went wide. He'd hoped he was wrong, but there was no denying the identity of the speaker now. He was going to kill his little subordinate. But only after he recovered from the shock he got next as Ed began to sing, accompanying himself by scraping his plastic spoon on his plastic yogurt cup, producing a hideously loud _KRRRRK._

"_Krrk_, Doe, a deer,_ krrk_, a female _krrk_ deer!" Roy stood abruptly. "Roy, a Colonel Bastaaard! Mi, a name I call myself! (_krrrrrk_) Fa-_krrrk_-" Roy jerked his doorknob, forgetting Ed had locked it. By the time Roy had burned it to ashes, Ed was on "Sol-something Roy does not have!! (_krrk, krr ,krrK_)" Still accompanied by his yogurt-cup scraping. As Roy slammed out of his office past all his other subordinates who had been waiting to see what he would do, Ed continued.

"Si(1), something Mustang claims not to dooo_(KRRRRK_)" Ed finished a moment later as Roy tried to remember where the sound system was even kept.

"Whoops! I forgot the first song! Let's see..." he set the beat with his awful scraping and then began.

"What do you do about an officer like Maria

How do you get Brosh not to follow her around?

Why'd I get stuck with a bodyguard like Maria

Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her

Many a thing she ought to understand

But how do you make her stay?

And not follow me around----"

Lieutenant Ross appeared at Roy's side, grabbing his arm and steering him down a hallway.

"He's in here, Sir." She said between clenched teeth as she shoved him through a door where he could see Ed scraping away and singing. The boy went a little pale when he saw Roy enter and hurriedly spoke into the mic.

"OK. I'm afraid the Colonel has retracted his request. We have time for just one more number." Roy raised an eyebrow and a gloved hand simultaneously. With a headache worthy scrape of his spoon, he sprang shakily into

"I am 16, going on 17, and have no plans to die!!!!" To which Roy responded

"You are 16, you'll never see 17, I think it's time I shut your mouth!!" Ed ducked a canon of flames and sprang away from Roy. And having forgotten the rest of the words, repeated his line. Roy singed the end of Ed's braid as the boy picked up his microphone and yelled "Well that's all folks!" And gave on last ear-splitting scrape before fleeing the room with Mustang on his heels. Ross was soon following them as well.

Hawkeye, never one to disobey an order from a higher ranking officer, responded with lightning fast reflexes to Roy's scream of

"CATCH THAT PUNK!" She grabbed Ed and tied him to a chair where he whimpered and squirmed.

"I'm going to shove that Goddamn spoon down your throat." Roy growled.

And he did.

And Al never found out why Ed couldn't eat for a week after he went to see the Colonel, or why he stopped carrying around yogurts for snacks.

--------------------------

(1) I just thought I should mention that in the song it's "ti" but in my workbook for Solfege (singing the notes, sight-reading program) it's Si, so I thought I'd use that because I could work some more fake lyrics in that way.

**KRRRRK! It drives my mom crazy when I scrape my yogurt cup, but I'm always determined to get every last bit out! Thanks for reading! R&R please!**


	10. To Love a Hairball

**This one's for Cactuis in the cold!! Thanks for reviewing and suggesting! I changed just a few things from the suggestion, but I hope everyone likes it and I'm sorry it took so long!**

**Warnings for mild language and bad pairings!!**

**------------------------------**

"Jeez it's cold out here." Ed grumbled as he and Roy snuggled closer together in a cold rock cave. Roy had offered to light a fire if Ed would find wood, but there was a 7-inch layer of snow on the ground and all Ed had on was his tank top and pants and boots. Envy had stolen any clothes they hadn't been wearing when they went to sleep last night, leaving Roy with only his pants and socks. Ed knew it was Envy who had stolen them because no one else would wear a stomach-revealing parka in this weather except a crazy homonculus. As much as Ed had wanted to track the stupid thief, Roy wouldn't let him go. Partially because he was sure Ed would freeze to death out there, but also because without Ed's bodyheat, he was going to freeze in here. Roy wrapped an arm around Ed to pull him closer and Ed pressed himself against Roy's chest. Of all the days Roy could've ripped his gloves on an icicle, now was definitely the worst.

* * *

Envy grinned in an icy mirror he'd found in his own little cave as he tried on Ed's and Roy's jackets. He didn't like Roy's shirt, so he'd already burned that to keep warm. He heard foot falls behind him and turned angrily toward the sound. The FullMetal runt couldn't possibly have found him so soon. Envy blinked.

Was that a prehistoric hairball rolling his way?

"Yummy." It said. Envy was now able to locate the mouth.

"I don't think so, Buddy. I may be hungry, but not for an owl pellet from the dawn of time. I think I'll pass."

"No, no. Girl-pop."

"You got popsicles?"

"You are a popsicle, you idiot! You're gonna make me use actual grammar and spell it out for you? Come here Babe, 'cause I'm gonna dip you in the pond over there and make you into a popsicle!"

Envy wasn't sure what to say. _'I mean, an owl pellet is threatening to eat me.'_

"What's your name?" The homonculus stalled.

"Yet von Hackedon. Yours?"

"Nice name. Mine's Envy." Envy stepped forward to shake Yet's hand after remembering his manners. Then he realized he was a stupid retarded idiot of a homonculus because he'd allowed the speaking hairball from the jurassic to get a hold of him. The hair muffled his screams as he was carried to the freezing glacier pond that "Yeti von Hackedon" liked to swim in. He died a very painfully cold death, and was very much enjoyed by Yeti von Hackedon after dinner.

* * *

Ed left Roy to go hunting for wood again, but no luck. His arms stung from the cold and he couldn't move his fingers. He heard crunching behind and whirled around, looking for a thick parka'd head and a tiny bare waist. Instead, he saw an uncooked dumpling the size of Roy's ego waddling toward him. He let his arms drop from their fighting stance.

"Is that edible?" He asked no one in particular.

"I don't know, but in popsicle form it tasted OK." The dumpling replied. "You look cold, do you want to borrow my coat?"

"What?"

"Ever since I ate that popsicle, I can take off my coat. I hope it doesn't smell too much." The dumpling shouldered off a hairy layer, leaving himself with a thick, shiny skin-tight fur coat. He handed Ed the thicker, shaggier coat he'd just removed and Ed carefully but gratefully accepted it. It was very warm and it actually smelled kind of nice. He studied the now-human-shaped figure standing in front of him. The smooth white coat of hair obscured some of its features, but Ed could tell the furry creature was in good hsape with round shoulders and biceps and a flat stomach.

"Um, hey...What are you? And are you a boy or a girl?" Ed asked.

"I'm Yeti von Hackedon. And um...After I ate that popsicle, I figured out I can change back and forth. Isn't that kinda cool?"

"Um...Yeah I guess. So you're a Yeti?"

"No, that's my name. My brother's Don, but after that one year at summer camp, everybody started calling him 'BigFoot'. It's a long story."

"Wow, that's cool. I'm an alchemist."

"Fascinating. Can you fix this for me?" Yeti held out a comb that had snapped in two.

"Easy." Ed clapped his hands and patted the comb and in a flash it looked brand new.

"Wow...Th-that's pretty amazing."

Ed was a little confused as to why Yeti was blushing.

"A-am I blushing?" he whimpered.

"Yeah. Why are you doing that?" Ed replied.

"Well, it's just that... when I'm a girl, you look very handsome."

"Uh. Really?" Ed was flattered. Even when Roy had first tried to woo him, he'd never really complimented Ed. It was a nice feeling.

"Yes. And you look very strong too."

"Thank you." Ed squeaked. He raised his eyes slowly to meet Yeti's. He could hear his heart thumping in his chest.

Roy stepped out to see if his shrimpy little subordinate had fallen into a snowdrift. What he saw chilled him even more than walking in the snow without shoes on. A guy with a shiny white coat like a dalmation's but without the spots, was leaning down to kiss Edward.

"How dare you!" At Roy's scream, Ed jumped.

"R-Roy! W-wait-um..."

"How could you do this to me? What have I ever done to you to deserve this?"

"Well it's more like what you don't do." Ed shouted back, recovering him his guilt at being caught. How dare Roy treat him like that when _he_ was always flirting with random women!

"Oh really? Well I'll show you what I'm going to do!"

"Oh yeah-" Ed was cut off by a whoosh of flames as Roy rubbed his torn glove pieces together and incinerated Yeti von Hackedon. Ed's eyes widened.

"How...How could you do this!" he ran and stood over Yeti, afraid to touch him.

"Hmph. You can finish this stupid patrol mission on your own. I'm going back to Central." Roy ran angrily down the mountainside, heedless of the icicles already decorating his hair.

Ed dropped to his knees next to Yeti.

"Damn." He couldn't help imagining human alchemy, but he just couldn't do it. Not after what happened last time. As he chewed his lip in worry, a blue light started to shine from Yeti's body. Ed watched in wonder as the skin began to regain its color and soft glow, the fur its sheen, and soon the eyes blinked open.

"Yeti? Are you alive?" Ed leaned over the body again.

"Yes...How strange."

Ed couldn't help himself. He threw himself over Yeti's warm, soft body.

"I don't think this is normal... ...At all." Yeti remarked. Something occurred to Ed suddenly.

"Hey, if you don't mind me asking...What the hell did you eat earlier?"

"Umm...Envy."

"...Yeti? That's a feeling. Do you mean some kind of ivy?"

"No, she said her name was Envy. I turned her into a popsicle and ate her for dessert."

"Wait, did he have long greenish hair?"

"Yes, she did."

"YOU ATE ENVY?"

"Yes, I already told you that." For a moment, Ed was frozen and stunned. Then as Yeti sat up, Ed wrapped his arms around his neck.

"I LOVE YOU!"

"What, er, really?"

"YES! YOU ATE ENVY!"

Yeti and Edward wrapped their arms around one another and after a moment, Yeti pulled back to look Ed in the eye.

"Um, Edward? When humans fall in love, they get married, isn't that correct?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well um...Do you want to get married?" Yeti blushed slightly.

"Well, I guess if you want to."

"Oh yes!"

"OK then, but on one condition: We have to go back to my home town and get my brother's blessing, OK?"

"What do you mean?"

"We have to ask if he's OK with it."

"Alright! Here, hang onto my back, my fur coat can now double as a hang-glider!"

"That's awesome!" Ed climbed on and Yeti took a running start before gripping both sides of his fur coat and jumping off a nearby cliff.

* * *

"Brother! We weren't expecting to see you again so soon! Your automail isn't broken, is it?"

"No, I'm fine Al. How're you?" Ed smiled at his adorable younger brother.

"Well, I'm really good...Yeah...Winry and I are really good..."

"Well um, there's someone I wanted you to meet and she's a new friend of mine. Her name is Yeti." Ed motioned Yeti forward. Al made a face like he'd just watched a cat hack up a hairball(1).

"It looks like a white seal chimera from Antartica." he said without thinking.

"Thank you! I love being so sleek and smooth now that I can take off my over coat. I've been called an owl pellet and a hairball when I was wearing that." She ended with a growl.

"So, um, come on in." Al said. Ed and Yeti followed him into the Rockbells' house. Suddenly, Al wheeled around and grabbed Ed's shoulders, looking down an inch or two into Ed's face.

"IwantomarryWinry-pleasecanwehaveyourblessing?" he gasped in one breath.

"Really? You and Winry?" Al nodded shakily

"Yeah sure. But only if you give _us your_ blessing." Ed grabbed Yeti's hand and pulled her up next to him.

"What! Are you sure?"

"Yep. She has _great_ taste and she's really strong."

"Well if you're happy, then yes."

"So, uh, did you guys have a date in mind?" Ed asked Winry and Al. Yeti was blushing deeply, which through her coat, made her face look dog-poop brown.

"Well we were-" Al was cut off in midsentence by the door slamming open.

"Edward!"

"ROY?" Ed glared at the colonel in the doorway.

"I wanted to apologize for running off like that in the mountain-Ahgh! Bread mold monster from hell alarm!" Roy stepped protectively in front of the person behind him, who Ed realized was Riza Hawkeye.

"I'll take care of it, Sir." Riza stepped under Roy's arm and pulled out a strange looking plastic gun. She pulled the trigger and out of the muzzle squirted something wet and misty. Ed sniffed.

"Hawkeye! Don't spray her with disinfectant!"

"Her?" Roy and Riza both gasped.

"She's my freaking fiance you stupid colonel!"

"And she's...a seal? Covered in hair? A new species? Taller than you?" Roy put emphasis on the last and was rewarded with a violent, angry rant from Ed before Yeti snapped at Roy.

"You killed me! Incinerated me!"

"AUGH! Resurrrected dead mythical mountain creature alarm!" Roy jumped in front of Riza for the second time. After a moment, she said "I'm not sure what to shoot it with, Sir. Any requests? I have a gooze-gun."

"Stop shooting at my fiance! What the hell are you doing here anyway!"

"To apologize and to tell you that-" Roy took a very deep breath "Riza and I are getting married and I found out the Fuhrer was in love with Envy, so when YOU ate him, the Fuhrer committed suicide so then I got the lieutenant here to intimidate all the higher-ups, so now I'm Fuhrer which means that you can do whatever you want because I say so."

Ed was speechless for a moment, then

"Wow! Thanks...So you and Riza?"

Roy nodded, smiling at his beautiful subordinate (RIZA!! Not Ed!).

"Hey! I just thoguht of something really romantic! I know this guy, lives in Scotland...Well, what I mean is, how about a triple wedding riding on the Loch Ness monster's back?" Yeti broke in.

"Whoa! Are you serious?" Ed and Al spoke at the same time.

"Oh yeah. If we're lucky, we could each ride a different one! There's a bunch of those little dolphins in there!" Al looked at Winry, Yeti looked at Ed and Roy looked at Riza. After a bit, it was decided they would all be married on the lock. Al and Winry would honeymoon in the mountains, Roy and Riza would go to the beach, and Ed and Yeti would go back to the Himalayas for a honeymoon of skiing, hang-gliding and, in general, freezing.

The wedding photographer's reputation was completely ruined by his collection of pictures of big, blurry, brown-gray, bloated water animals being slipped on (and occasionally slipped off of) by three slimy-shoed, awkward brides in ridiculous dresses and soaking wet grooms who were trying to keep everyone upright.

But he did win a prize for actually photographing a mythical creature.

-----------------

(1) Go to http://www.elricalchemist. to see fanart of Al's expression.

**I do not own Gooze, just thought I'd say that.**

**R&R please! Suggestions always welcome, but PLEASE nothing dirty!!**


	11. Breda's Christmas Neurosis

**OK! I am FINALLY typing up my first Christmas fic ever!! I wrote this out just a few weeks ago...--; So anyway, enjoy!!**

**Name: Breda's Christmas Neurosis**

**Pairings: none.**

**Rated: PG13! for mild language.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist, or Quest.**

**-----------------------**

Breda had a problem.

It wasn't something that many people knew about.

Roy Mustang knew, and sympathized with the dog-fearing man, but that didn't really help in any way.

See, Heymans Breda was paranoid about some random things. Specifically thinking that all machines talked when he left a room. Coffee machines, microwaves, telephones, computers and TV's were the chattiest. They were not only gossips in his opinion (how else would Roy have known that Breda had once accepted a dare to put kitten poop in the Colonel's coffee machine?), they were also complainers. But then, that particular neurosis didn't actually hurt anything. The fact that watching television hypnotized him to some degree, was potentially dangerous. Or at least, disturbing.

"Merry Christmas." Mustang mumbled distractedly as Breda came into the office.

"Yeah. Right. _Sappy_ Holidays to you too."

"What?" the colonel looked up. Breda sighed.

"Two days before Christmas, so three days ago, I started watching TV in this bar and-and the TV and the phone and the compuoter were all complaining, just like they do in real life! And then they decided that they all wanted _Quest_ service for Christmas! So then I got home and sue enough as soon as I turn out the lights they all start bitching about how all the other houses in Amestris probably already _had _Quest and all that. They wouldn't stop talking about it, so I finally had to go spend $70 on a Quest package, dammit."

Roy sighed. What could you do?

------------------

**Wow, that was a short one! **

**It was inspired by this commercial I'm really starting to hate where the computer and the ...DVD player maybe? are talking about how slowly they have to move because of the service they use, or something like that, and then the phone speaks up and she's like "Good news, boys. I hear we're getting Quest for Christmas." and they all start cheering and stuff and the narrator says something like "Get your electronics the service they need to work well." So it was bugging me and it was so dumb I kept thinking what if someone actually believed everything they were saying, so anyway, that's how I thought of it. Pretty bad huh?**

**R&R Please! Thanks for reading!**


	12. Dragonbreath

**Ever wake up in the morning with dragonbreath? Ever have NO IDEA where it came from? Or why everyone's avoiding you? **

**------------**

Name: Dragonbreath

Pairings: none

Rating: K+

--

Al woke to thunder, the fierce rumble shaking him to the core of his small body. Not used to such frightening sensations, he climbed hurriedly out of bed and peeked into Ed's room. A flash of lightning illuminated the room, revealing b lankets that had been kicked off the bed and his older brother fast asleep on his back, his left hand up under his tank top and resting on his stomach. Al picked up one of the discarded blankets and climbed into the bed next to his big brother, pulling the blanket over the both of them.

When the lightning finally stopped, Al was up and out of the room so fast Ed rolled off the bed.

"Huh? Jeez, Al. I know you're afraid of thunderstorms. You don't have to try to hide it."

"Oh, um, right. OK!" Al headed for the bathroom.

Ed shook his head and pulled on his clothes, packing the rest into his suitcase in preparation for the train ride home. Finally they were going back to Risembool after six years in the military.

Meanwhile

"Reporting, Sir!" Havoc stood in line next to Hawkeye, Breda, Fuery and Falman and started puffing frantically on his cigarette. Roy's eye twitched in irritation.

"Having a panic attack, lieutenant?"

"Well, not a _panic_ attack, persay..."

Roy snatched the cigarette out of Havoc's mouth and incinerated it despite Havoc's yell of protest and then sniffling and covering up his face with his hands.

"Oh shut up." Roy snapped, taking his place in front of his line of subordinates.

"I've called you all here to formally inform you of the FullMetal Alchemist's resignation from our military orginization." Roy saluted and all of the men and women presetn in his office saluted in return, some with slightly misty eyes. As their hands dropped back down to their sides, Breda somewhat ruined the feeling.

"Hey Boss, why'd you call us all here when we all took him out to dinner last night _because_ he was resigning?"

Roy cleared his throat before bluntly explaining "Because I figured at least_ some_ of you were too drunk to remember."

Fuery blushed bright red and hurried back to his office.

A few minutes later, Roy smelled a strong smoky smell coming from Riza's office. He frowned and went to investigate.

"Lt. Hawkeye? What are you burning in here?"

She waved to a stick of incense in a bowl on her desk.

"Incense, Sir. For bad odors."

Meanwhile

Al swung their luggage up into the overhead compartment and then went across the aisle to sit down. Ed looked over at him.

"Hey Al, what are you doing way over there?"

"Oh, you know...Giving you room to sleep."

"It's OK, come on over here, Little Brother."

"Er, um, no that's OK."

"Al, is something wrong? Is it something I did?"

"No Brother! I just..."

Ed jumped up and came to push his face into Al's.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" Al covered his nose and mouth.

"What!" Ed grabbed his hands, pinning them behind Al's back and leaning closer.

"Agggg! No, please!"

"Tell me why you're trying to get away from me!"

"B-because-"

"Why?"

"Because-"

"Why!"

"Well because-"

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE

_**"Bad odor, Lt.?"**_

_**"Sir, your breath**_

"YOUR BREATH

_**smells like pork left out in the sun to rot."**_

SMELLS LIKE PORK LEFT IN THE SUN TO ROT!"

_**"What?"**_

What?"

_**"Why didn't you tell me, Hawkeye?"**_

"Why didn't you tell me, Al?"

_**"Damn weirdo Chinese food from last night."**_

"Damn weirdo Chinese food from last night! The colonel has terrible taste in restaurants!"

_**"What I get for trying to pick a place Edward would like."**_

**-----------------**

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAH**

**R&R Please!**


	13. Freudian Slip

**This is for Fae Elric's challenge: Something that incorporated a freudian slip. It may be a little confusing if you haven't read volume 8 of the manga.**

**-------------------**

"Hey guys!" Roy swung enthusiastically into the office, not exactly an everyday occurence.

"Check it out! I found this wild new foreign restaurant and got take-out for everyone. Behold! _'Cretin Cuisine!' _"

Everyone except Hawkeye turned their heads toward the colonel, eyes twitching. Riza glared daggers.

"Er, uhm, oops. I mean _Cretan Cuisine_." Roy grinned pathetically and apologetically, Hawkeye rolled her eyes, and everyone dug into the food.

**----------------**

**Whoa...that was REALLY short...but it's not quite a 2 liner.**

**Hope it made sense!**


	14. Sequel: To Be Married to a Hairball

**AHAHAHA! Oh but I DID manage to write your second suggestion up!! I will admit it was a daunting challenge that took me from when you last reviewed right up until this very afternoon, but now, SEE THE DERANGEMENT THAT COMES FROM YOUR SUGGESTION!!!!!!!!!**

**And thank you, your third sounds AWESOME. Unlike the last one, which admittedly stumped me for a while, I have lots of ideas for this one!!**

**So thank you: Cactuis in the cold; Envy hating prickly pear; The arctic tumbleweed!**

**-------------------**

"Sir. Permission to close and lock the door for privacy." Riza snapped.

"Permission granted, Lt." Roy barked.

Riza marched to Roy's office door and closed and locked it. She turned smartly on her heel to face him and for a moment, they stared blankly at eachother.

Then Roy started to smile. And it grew...and grew...and grew...and grew...and grew until his lips managed to touch his eyebrows, at which point, Hawkeye said "I get the point, Sir. You are now grinning so much it's scaring me almost as much as when Armstrong cries."

Roy stopped putting so much effort into grinning and instead focused on one of his new favorite office activities: Chasing Riza around the desk and trying to tickle her. They flew around the desk until all of Roy's paperwork hd been blown off and suddenly, a huge ungaily black bird with palm-tree hair smacked into the window. Riza and Roy froze and stared at teh squashed bird stuck to their office window. Lust and Gluttony suddenly flew out of nowhere and squashed Envy through the window by smacking into the back of him. The glass shattered and Riza and Roy were no staring at three unconscious homonculi lying on the floor.

Needless to say, they were alarmed. After a moment, Roy looked quickly around the room before snatching up several strings of Xmas lights and typing up all three homonculi in them. He looked at Hawkeye as he finished binding Envy.

"Riza. We need to hide and question them. Maybe someplace out of town..."

"Roy...Just a thought, but it will probably take some amount of torture to wring answers out of them, won't it? And you _are_ in charge of the Central HQ Xmas display this year, which is why I brought those lights in here, and you _do_ already have them 'decorated', right? So...why don't we set them up in the hallway? If we strip the string of its protective coating in some places, they'll get electrocuted when they move, so they shouldn't go anywhere. We can run the strings through their mouths as well to keep them from talking and play loud music to torture and drownd them out."

"Hey...Sounds good to me! Here, help me strip the insulation off and we'll just set them out in the hall and duct tape a boom box to the fat one's head." Roy flipped out a pocketknife to strip the wire and Riza followed suit. Wtihin twenty minutes, three lit-up homonculi wearing Christmas hats (the stereo was under Gluttony's) were staked out in the main hallway of Central HQ.

Envy, only recently reborn, was a crybaby and was already sobbing from being shocked a few times. Lust thought that was funny until she tried to laugh and got buzzed in the mouth.

Roy was very proud of his unique and economical decorating solution.

WooHOOO! I look COOL!" Ed went sliding down the slope on a snowboard. Three seconds later, he crashed into a tree. Yeti appeared next to him on skiis.

"No you don't." Such a sensitive wife.

"Well I DID. You came up behind me and made me fall!" Such a mature husband.

"Get up. It was your stupid idea to rent a snowboard instead of nice practical skiis."

"I look cooler than you do." Ed retorted.

"Then you won't mind me taking a picture of your fiftieth crash." Yeti whipped out a camera for a snapshot.

"AAAUGH!" Ed hopped up and crashed into another tree.

"Dork."

"Now you're just trying to tee me off."

"Uh...Since when do you say 'tee' ?"

"Oh shut up." Ed grumbled, adding to himself "I swear if I fall on my toe  one more time..." He stood up. "OK, so maybe I should take a cl-toe or something."

Yeti gave Ed a very peculiar look. Edward ignored the very peculiar look. Then Ed shoved himself upright.

"Oh go wow off, Yet." He snapped, balancing on his board and pushing off again. As he began to gain momentum, he suddenly noticed that his boot wasn't actually strapped in. Looking down frantically, he comfirmed that his boot was no strapped in. When he looked back up, he saw something that chilled him to the core. Even Yeti, a most powerful nonexistant lifeform, was afraid of the renowned

CAPE BUFFALO GHOST OF THE ARIZONA SKI SLOPE WITH A CHOCOLATE COVERED ICE CREAM BAR IN ITS MOUTH!

The mythical being was only four feet directly ahead of Ed and it stared at the newlywed boredly until Ed got too close and the CBGotASSwaCCICBiiM swung its head, using its horns to throw Ed up into the air. Nearby, startled onlookers began to yell.

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's the authoress! No, wait! It's--"

"My husband." Yeti groaned. Ed did a belly flop into the snow and Yeti, rolling her eyes all the way, went over to help him up. When she ahd him sitting upright, she noticed him flapping his mouth noiselessly and frowned.

"Oh Edward! You aren't hurt are you?"

"I'm just fine-"

Yeti could amost hear a blank spot, a word missing.

"Freaky..." She muttered. Suddenly, Ed's eyes widened and he stared in horror at something behind his wife. Yeti spun around only to see Roy and Riza Mustang stop short on skiis, sending a spray of snow onto Yeti and Ed, neither of whom appreciated the shower.

Both Mustangs were clad in skin-tight professional skiing costumes, complete with goggles and thick ski gloves firmly grasping shiny, sharp ski poles. Roy saw Yeti and Edward and stalked over, Riza following as she turned her head side-to-side, as if searching for something.

"FullMetal." Roy ignored Yeti completely.

"You clown! What , are you doing here?" Ed staggered in midsentence and Yeti frowned again. She'd NEVER heard Ed use the word "clown" before as an insult. And he did love to insult Roy Mustang.

"I'm tracking down a potential threat in this region going by a very strange alias. As a State Alchemist, it is your duty to help. Have you encountered anyone who called themselves "CBGotASSwaCCICBiiM?"

"Do you KNOW what that stands FOR?" Yeti hissed. Roy honored her by actually LOOKING in her DIRECTION before sniffing. "No, but I suggest you tell us what you know For your own good." He added. Yeti bristled.

"CBGotASSwaCCICMiiM...Cape Buffalo Ghost of the Arizona Ski Slopes with a Chocolate Covered Ice Cream Bar in its Mouth-!" She shuddered. "He can move mountains with his lactose-induced gas! Throw even the strongest of bullfighters with his godly horns, even play The Worst Guitar Solo In The World with his tail. IT will ruin your hearing. FOREVER." Yeit lowered her voice to an ominous whisper on her last words, then suddenly shouted "You don't know what you're dealing with! You're no match for him! Not even I am!"

"He must have a weakness somewhere though, right?" Roy demanded.

"Well...He did...But I ate Envy. You see, the mighty CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM was in love wtih the little homonculus, but I was not aware of that until I found the beast's diary." Yeti held up a small brown book.

"HIs diary?! Where did you get that!" Roy exclaimed.

"Oh, they're on sale in the gift shop. It's in the ski rental building."

"...But wait-you said you ate Envy, and yet I have just recently captured him." Roy said thoughtfully.

"WHAT?" Ed and Yeti cried out at the same time. Riza grabbed Roy's ear suddenly, pulling on it until it was close enough to whisper into. After a moment, Roy turned back to Ed and Yeti.

"Well then, I'll be back later. Have fun, kids." And before Ed and Yeti could scream or rant that they were not kids, they were freakin' married, Roy and Riza shot off down the slope.

Yeti sighed heavily as Ed angrily began to slide down the slope. Yeti watched in mild fascination as Ed very

very

creepingly

astoundingly

terrifyingly

very

creepingly

slowly ran face-first into a tree at approximately a half-mile per hour. The blond bangs tapped softly once against the tree before Ed fell on his butt.

Yeti proceded to laugh until her stomach hurt.

Ed kicked and flailed on his back before he finally realized Yeti was SO not coming to help him. He then twisted onto his side and inch-wormed through the snow until he could stand. He spent the rest of the day in this on-your-butt fashion until Yeti finally relented and they headed to the hotel where they had a reservation at the very top of the White Mountains.

Fuery jogged up the stairs to Ed and Yeti's room on orders to 'get Ed to get his butt onto Sidewinder' where Roy was planning an attack on the CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM. IT was already 9 am and the little brunette certainly didn't expect to hear what he did when he reached their door.

"Wow...Jeez, Yet. Taht was WAY better than the first time Roy and I had hugs."

Fuery froze. _Oh god no._ he mentally whimpered. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to knock on the door.

"Why are you still talk-!" Yeti stopped short.

fuery heard bedsprings creaking and forced himself not to focus on it. When Yeti opened the door, she was perfectly groomed, her coat unruffled. Behind her, Ed was pulling on a tank top and fastening a tie into his hair.

"C-Colonel Mustang wants you to come to the sidewinder slope to help with a-an arrest of the CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM. Right now, FullMetal, Sir!"

"Oh jeez. What a pain in the toe that clown can be."

Yeti made a face at Ed's speech, then gathered up her skiis and Ed's snowboard.

They slowly made their way down the mountain to the sidewinder trial, only to be kept waiting for half an hour as Roy wasn't there.

When he finally did show, it was on a bright red snowmobile, clad in a Santa outfit and pulling a big sleigh with four homonculi tied up in Xmas lights in the back.

"Check it out, I caught one more on the way." Roy grinned at Greed who growled, then turned to Yeti and Ed.

"Hey there, the name's Greed. Let's be friends."

"Uhh. OK." Yeti stared at him. Ed did too until he noticed Roy using alchemy to erect a flagpole, then sending a crying Envy up it.

"Now he'll come to us, and we'll make him surrender or else we'll kill his love!" Roy laughed maniacally and Lust rolled her eyes.

It only took a few minutes for CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM to show up and gaze longingly at Envy from the ground. As soon as Roy spotted him, he took a piece of paper out of his pocket and proclaimed "Surrender, criminal! Get on the ground wtih your hooves behind your head unless you want Envy to get hurt!"

"What!"

"I have a list of criminal charges against you!" Roy paused and looked down at the paper. "Running a red light, running a red light, running a re-What the hell?"

"Roy, didn't I tell you you needed to read those beforehand?" Riza groaned.

"Hrrm...Well anyway, you're under arrest for...17 traffic violations!!"

CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM groaned, but allowed Roy to handcuff him and lead him to the snowmobile.

Epilogue:

Two weeks later, Sunrise Ski Resort complained and filed a lawsuit against the military, saying it had kidnapped one of their best attractions, so both CBGotASSWaCCICMiiM and Envy were released to live a happy life on the ski slopes of AZ.

Yeti took Ed to a speech therapist who diagnosed him wtih Curse Free TV Speech Syndrom and cured him by hitting him on the head with a piece of firewood.

-----

**WHEW! That took me forever!!**

**That whole part with Ed running SO SLOWLY into the tree was inspired by ACTUAL events. A friend of mine, who was actually doing FINE, all of a sudden just slid REALLY REALLY slowly into a tree and we were all laughing so hard we COULDN'T help her up.**

**As for the way Ed is talking, I figured I need to explain...for some people who don't want to hear all the swearing on TV, you can buy a little box that you plug into your TV that filters and edits what the people are saying. Some of the replacements are actually kind of funny, although at this point it's kind of annoying. (see class become cl-toe and "Bon appetite become Bon appe-form, which is really lame)**

**So that's what that was all about.**


	15. Amestrian Idol!

**Alright! This request was from The Arctic Tumbleweed!! **

**Author Notes: I've mixed characters from both the anime and manga in this ficlet, there are only 3 or 4 OC's and you'll be able to recognize them for lack of having names.**

**The song is Last Dance with Mary Jane by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. WOOOOh!**

**And, without further ado ladies and gentlemen, give it up for EDWARD ELRIC!!!**

----------------

Roy groaned dramatically, seeking pity or better yet relief of his current duty, from the sleeping people he was surrounded by. He didn't understand how being promoted to Colonel hadn't gotten him out of walking around the dorms and checking to make sure everyone's lights were out and everyone was asleep.

He heard water running up ahead and frowned, quickening his pace toward the sound. He stumbled and examined the floor which was warped and uneven. Frowning again, he looked at the room number whose doorway was looking like a regular Xinganese pothole: Room Number 208. Edward Elric's when he was in town. Roy listened to the running water sound again, pausing for a moment to think about it.

Edward always refused to shower in the shower rooms, and the one time Roy had complained about the way he smelled, Ed had transmuted a private shower in the middle of the shower room, which had caused quite a disturbance. Looks like Ed had stayed within his own room this time. Mustang didn't even want to consider where Ed was tapping water from. No doubt there would be plumbing complications later. As he was about to knock on the door to rebuke the small alchemist though, he heard Edward's voice raise up suddenly into a tune.

* * *

_"Well she grew up in an Indiana town_

_Had a good lookin' Mama who never was around_

_But she grew up tall and she grew up right_

_With them Indiana boys on an Indiana night."_

Roy stared at the door in wonder. Ed was singing. And not just some old tune, he was really singing...

This was too good to be wasted!

_"She moved down here at age 18,"

* * *

_

Roy ran down the hall to Maria Ross' room and banged loudly. She opened the door after a moment, alarmed by Roy's excited babbling.

"Ed's singing in the shower down the hall, Room 208! Go listen!"

"Er-,Yes, Sir!" She staggered sleepily down the hallway and stood at the door.

* * *

_"She blew the boys away, was more than they'd seen_

_I was introduced and we both started groovin'_

_She said I dig you baby but I got to keep movin'_

_on_

_keep movin' on!"

* * *

_

At this point, Denny Brosh, Major Armstrong, Lt. Breda and Falman joined Maria, soon to be followed by Riza, Black Hayate, Havoc, Fuery, Sheska, Hughes, Gracia and Elicia, some of Sheska's fellow librarians, General Grumman, Scar, General Hakuro and his family, Lust and Gluttony, Wrath, Winry, Pinako and Hohenheim (who really didn't know what he was doing there) who brought Pride, Envy and Sloth. Roy came running back panting, in time for the chorus.

* * *

_"Last dance with Mary Jane_

_One more time to kill the pai--n_

_I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town agai--n_

_Doo-da-da-da-dee-do-do-duh-da-da..."

* * *

_

Greed, Marta, Dorchette, Loa and the rest of the entire Devil's Nest gang staggered sleepily toward the room, curious as to why the "Fuhrer" was standing there and wanting to see what all the other homonculi were looking at.

Ling Yao, Lanfan and Foo followed them there which drew some MPs to the scene looking for illegal immigrants, but getting caught up in Ed's singing.

* * *

_"Well I don't know_

_But I been told_

_You never slow down_

_You never grow old_

_Tired of screwin' up_

_I'm tired of going down_

_Tired of myself_

_Tired of this town_

_Oh my my, Oh hell yes_

_Honey put on that party dress_

_buy me a drink, sing me a song_

_take me as I come 'cause I can't stay long."

* * *

_

Maria and Denny's parents showed up to ask if they needed any money and also got drawn in by Ed's song. Ling's father showed up too, but only to ask if Ling knew where that knew concubine of his had gone and would Ling tell his little little little, but no not that one, sister to clean her room?

The coal miners from Youswell showed up, as well as Yoki who had Mei Chan and Xiao Mei in tow. Russel, Fletcher and some people from Xenotime showed up too to make fun of Ed, after which Izumi, Sig and Mason showed up, followed by Paninya, Mr. Garfiel, Dominic, Riddle and Satera, plus their new baby. Remembering that Ed had automail which he often broke, every automail mechanic in Rush Valley followed, not to mention one very sleepy and confused Cretan ambassador who no one knew.

At this point, Fuery had to be ordered to set up some amplifications so that everyone in the jampacked dorms could hear Ed.

* * *

_"Last dance with Mary Jane_

_One more time to kill the pai--n_

_I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town agai--n_

_da-da-da-dun-da-dun..._

_There's pigeons down_

_On market square_

_She's standin' in her underwear_

_Lookin' down from her hotel room_

_Nightfall will be coming soon_

_Oh my my, Oh hell yes_

_You got to put on that party dress_

_It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone_

_I hit the last number, I walked to the road_

_Last dance with Mary Jane_

_One more time to kill the pai--n_

_I feel summer creepin' in and I'm tired of this town agai--n_

_Daaa-dun-da-da-da-doo..._

_Daaa-doo-dan..."

* * *

_

Ed stepped out of his little bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, stopping dead when someone slowly opened his door and about a thousand people, many of whom he didn't know, peered in, then began clapping so hard Barry the Chopper's head fell off.

"Yeeeaaaah!"

"We didn't know you could sing!"

"Woohoo, Edward!"

"Encore!"

"YeeaaaaaaAH!"

"AGAIN! Again!"

Ed could have been the Red Stone for his color and degree of ability of movement at that moment. As he stared, absolutely flabbergasted, at the mob outside his door, someone interrupted very loudly.

"COMING THROUGH!" A soldier with a loudspeaker was driving a backhoe down the hallway, screaming his lungs out to be heard.

"First I came up here because someone tapped into our water line and now none of the toilets in the building can be flushed, which is a huge problem already but now I'm pretty sure the higher-ups want me to say something a bout the fact that there are so many people up here the building is about to collapse."

The mob looked around at itself before about two hundred people spoke up at once.

"What higher-ups? We're all right here!"

"...I wonder who I was talking to..." The man said in a truly mystified voice.

"If the building is about to collapse under our weight," Envy interjected, "Why are you driving a backhoe up here?"

"Oh...Good question."

"Can I drive it?"

"Um...Sure."

Envy happily hopped into the driver's seat and spent the rest of the night destroying things and killing people with the backhoe.

"You, Edward Elric, are going to have to go and fix e very one of the toilets in this building as punishment for tapping the water pipe.

"Awww, I just got clean!" Ed whined.

"Don't worry," Roy leaned over to whisper in Ed's ear, "You can come shower at my place. If you'll sing that song again."

"Never. I am never singing that song again."

"Well I guess you'll just have to shower in the shower room, then." Roy turned to go home.

"Wait! Please!"

"Will you sing?" Roy whispered.

"Yes..." Ed was BRIGHT. RED.

"Ok then. Now go fix the toilets."

As soon as Ed was gone toward the bathrooms, Roy raised his voice.

"Hey everybody!! Ed's gonna sing it again at my place! Be there in two hours!!"

"WOO HOOO!"

"YAAAAH!"

"OUR DEAREST FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST IS SUCH A TALENTED LAD!"

"WILL THERE BE FOOD?"

"Gimme back my head!"

And that is how Edward Elric became the first _Amestrian Idol_. Although Al did have to drag Simon through the Gate to prove Ed deserved it. Which he did.

---

XD **Domo arigatoo to The Arctic Tumbleweed! Give it up, everybody!** XD


	16. Apple Pie

**I wasn't quite sure whether to post Apple Pie (see below) in here or in The Cost of Living, 'cause it's both cute and sad with just the tiniest touch of humor, but I thought I'd take the opportunity to send out some A/N's to Shoushin and The Arctic Tumbleweed, so it's here for now.**

**-**

**To S and AC, I just want you to know that I AM keeping your stories in mind, OK? I will write them someday, I just can't say when. I'm waiting for inspiration to strike, and making no promises as I am especially busy right now, OK? But seriously, I haven't forgotten you guys!**

**-------**

Apple Pie

"Hey, Ed?" Al caught his brother's attention, Ed's gaze swinging to his brother in the seat opposite him, away from the window he'd been staring out.

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember what Winry said back at the station?"

"Um...'Be safe, take care of yourselves, don't break your automail'...Oh yeah, and 'Eat apple pie'." Ed suddenly realized that last phrase that he'd ignored back at the station didn't really make any sense to him.

"Yeah, that one. I think I've heard it before. When we were little."

"Do you think she picked it up from Hughes or something?"

"No, not really. 'Cause I could've sworn I remembered hearing it before then. What about you, Brother?"

Ed thought back. Usually when he thought of being little he thought of his father leaving, which always stirred up resentment, but now the anger took on a new light as Ed fit the phrase in question into a forgotten bit of the memory.

"Ohh yeahh." He said. "Dad used to say it, Al. Whenever he went away, he'd tell us 'eat apple pie'." Ed thought for a moment. "But then he didn't...when he left for good, all he said was 'goodbye'. ...And you got mad at him for it. Asked him why he didn't say it." Ed spoke slowly, the memories flooding his mind. "And he slammed the door in your face."

"And didn't we both run to find Mom, but she wasn't in the house?" Al filled in.

"Yeah. And you thought Dad had taken her with him. You looked so funny, like an owl your eyes were so big."

"You got scared too." Al said indignantly.

"And Mom came back in the house and said it would all be OK and he would come back again soon."

"Yeah." Both Al and Ed were silent for a while before Al spoke again:

"I got it! I remember where I've heard that before in Winry's family. Do you remember, the night we burned the house down, how Winry was crying? And you said something about how she'd always been a crybaby?"

"Yeah." Ed felt a little guilty at the memory. The whole thing had just been so awkward.

"But she wasn't just crying for us, Ed. I saw her dump out a box of papers on the back step before she came around front to watch with us, and then she started crying."

"Really? What were they?"

"It took me awhile to figure it out. They were all the letters she got from her parents while they were in Ishbal."

Edward was silent. He'd never even suspected...

"But remember, one day when she was showing off that she could read by reading her parents' letters and I was just starting to learn? I remember every one of them ended like 'Love, Mom and Dad. P.S. Eat apple pie!'."

"Wow... I don't remember that..." Ed and Al looked at eachother for a while, reveling in the wonders of old memories.

"Hey..." Again it was Alphonse who spoke first. "I think I know why you thought Winry got it from Hughes. That time he came to visit you in the hospital, he said it when he left."

"Oh, yeah! I thought he might have said something like that." Ed agreed.

* * *

"Hey, Colonel Bastard."

"Come in, FullMetal. Where's your report this time? Written on your stomach?" Roy sarcastically referred to the time Ed had written a report on his arm, not to mention countless times it had been turned in on postcards, scrap paper, newspaper margins and occasionally on a series of Post-It notes.

"Right here." Ed handed him the damn, crumpled piece of paper he'd torn out of his notebook.

"Would it kill you to use a typewriter?" Roy half-groaned, looking at the damp scribbles.

"Shut up! You're lucky I even bother to write this stuff down for you!"

"That's not what I asked, _Edward_. Would it, or would it not, kill you to use a typewriter like every other State Alchemist in this military?"

"No." Ed said stiffly. He then raised his automail arm and grinned, "But it might kill the typewriter."

Roy sighed loudly and waved Ed out of his office. The blond disappeared, then suddenly reappeared in the doorway, leaning over so his braid hung down sideways.

"Um, Roy?"

Roy twitched at the use of his first name. "Yes, FullMetal?"

"Just. Uh, eat apple pie, OK?" Ed was gone in a flash, boots thumping in the hallway.

Roy stared out the door after Ed. _'Eat apple pie...Hughes used to say that, didn't he?_'

Roy suddenly wondered if Gracia still made those wonderful pies without Maes around to gobble them up and if she would mind him coming over for a slice sometime.

"Thank you, FullMetal." He murmured.

* * *

**Whaddaya think? 5 reviews earns a sequel of sorts!!**


	17. Homonculi Apple Pie

**Hey everybody! This one goes out to Shoushin (I know it may not have been entirely what you had in mind, but I wrote this for your request) and it's a sequel to Apple Pie.**

**The whole thing's animeverse, alright? Oh and Envy's a little OOC.**

**-------------------------**

"Alright, I'm off. Eat apple pie while I'm gone, alright Squirt?" Envy's malicious expression at the thought of his mission softened momentarily as he whacked Wrath's forehead affectionately.

" 'Kay, Envy! Promise you'll kill him this time? And his brother too?"

"I'll tear them limb from limb." Envy snarled. He was really going to enjoy this. As he morphed while simultaneously creeping out the door, Wrath turned to Lust.

"Lust? Why does Envy say to eat apple pie? You said he doesn't mean it, so why does he say it?" Wrath tugged on Lust's tight dress, looking up at her with a babyish expression of curiosity.

"Well don't ask me." Lust tossed her hair over her shoulder. "I don't know. I wish he'd stop but he can't seem to take anything, let alone hints, seriously. What a fool."

Wrath, dissatisfied by her answer, went to where Pride was writing a military report in his armchair.

"Pri-ide?" Wrath whined, "Why does Envy say to eat apple pie?"

"For God's sake Wrath, don't bother me," Pride snapped irritably, swatting at the child. Wrath ducked and scampered away sniffling. He didn't know why the Fuhrer disliked him so much. He couldn't remember ever doing anything to anger him.

Wrath found Gluttony sucking his thumb in a corner and crawled over to sit next to the fat man.

"Gluttony?"

"Mmm? slurrp."

"Why does Envy say 'eat apple pie' ?"

Gluttony pulled his thumb from his mouth. "Don't know. Apple pie doesn't taste as good as _flesh_." Gluttony suddenly reached for Wrath. The child tried to scramble away but he'd been sitting right next to Gluttony and the giant homonculus grabbed the back of Wrath's shirt.

"NOOOO!" Wrath screamed.

"No, Gluttony. You mustn't eat the boy." Lust suddenly clacked her heel against the floor, appearing as if by magic it seemed to Wrath, and Gluttony froze at the sound.

"B-but Lust...I'm starving," Gluttony cried.

"You can't eat him." Lust stood firm. She took Wrath's little pale hand and led him away from Gluttony into another room. When she let go, she turned and bent down to his eye level.

"Why don't you wait until Envy gets back and then ask him why he says 'eat apple pie' ?" She smiled.

"Oh...Yeah! Thank you, Lust, that's a great idea!" Wrath wrapped his arms around her waist in a hug.

* * *

"I'm. Back," Envy snarled, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Enveeeee!!" Wrath exclaimed with glee. "Envy you're back! Did you kill him? Did you really rip him limb from limb?"

The man in the skort stopped short, staring down at the pale boy yelling for him.

"No," Envy snapped, "All I did was beat him up a little and then military police stepped in. Sorry Little Guy." Envy gave Wrath a little pat on the head.

"Oh...That's OK, Envy," Wrath said as the older homonculus stalked past. "Wait! I have a question for you!"

"Later!" Envy whirled and snapped. "I have to report to Father," he snarled.

"Oh..." Wrath stopped following Envy, tears in his blue eyes. Envy marched into a dark room adjoining the 'homonculus hang-out' room that most of them occupied. When he came out several minutes later, he stormed into one of the small bedrooms also attached to their main headquarters. The rooms were small with no lights and a single wooden bed with a thin mattress pushed up against the wall of each. Wrath watched him go sadly. He didn't like it when people were angry and upset, especially when he didn't understand why. After a minute or two, he tiptoed to the door Envy had just slammed shut. He turned the knob and Envy growled "Go away."

Wrath opened it further, childish curiosity overcoming his fear of the older homonculus.

Envy was sitting on the bed with his knees drawn up to his chest, arms crossed over the top of them and his face resting on top of his forearms.

"I said go away." Envy raised his head and Wrath tiptoed closer.

"But Envy..." Wrath whined in a very babyish voice. He could see tears glistening in the corners of Envy's eyes.

"Wrath..." Envy's voice was tight and ragged now. "Get out."

"No, Envy! I have to ask you a question." Wrath ran up to him. "Envy, why do you say to eat apple pie when you go away?"

Envy had his hand raised to smack the kid but stopped suddenly.

"I...guess it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense, huh?"

"I don't understand it." Wrath crawled onto the bed next to Envy.

"Well...It's just something Father used to say to me..."

"I've never heard him say it."

"He doesn't anymore...It's something he used to say back when I was really his son. When I was human." Envy buried his face against his arms again, his hair shifting rapidly into different textures and colors. He paused on dreadlocks and his clothes started to morph. The dreads disappeared, replaced with blond hair and a button-down shirt with slacks and lace-up shoes.

"Enveee?"

"What!" Envy was crying silently now.

"Is that what you looked like when you were human?"

"Yeah. Pathetic, right? These clothes are so boring."

"Are you gonna change them?" Wrath asked. Envy didn't answer. Lust peeked in the door, just checking that Envy wasn't strangling Wrath or some such thing. She spotted Envy's form and sighed softly, stepping into the room. She left the door open just a bit and came over to Envy. She sat on his other side and hesitantly brushed her hand over his back.

"Remembering what we once were doesn't help anything now, Envy."

He couldn't help it, he just couldn't. He didn't know why these feelings of loss were invading his cold, violent heart but now they were extending to his eyes and he could no longer hold back the tears. He sobbed, his whole body heaving and he felt Lust flinch away from him. Wrath poked his head up close to Envy's trying to see his face.

"It's OK, Envy. It's OK to cry. My mommy told me."

Envy lifted his head, his shining eyes squinting at Wrath.

"Who?"

"My mommy," Wrath said. Envy's face remained blank. "First mommy," didn't click either. "Mommy Curtis," Wrath tried again. He finally got through to Envy.

"D-don't you hate her? For abandoning you? For not loving you?" Envy asked genuinely.

"No. She did love me, but she made me go away anyway. But that doesn't matter 'cause now I have a different life. Now I have a different mommy and brothers and sisters."

"And what am I?" Envy snarled bitterly.

"You're Envy. I like Envy." Wrath wrapped his arms around the unfamiliar man in the blue shirt. Envy suddenly shifted back to his preferred skort-clad form and squeezed Wrath in a hug, both boys toppling over sideways on the bed. Envy was still crying into Wrath and Lust rubbed both their backs confidently now, waiting for Envy to calm down.

* * *

"See you later, stay outta sight." Envy waved Wrath and Lust out the door. Wrath had his little hand wrapped around Lust's and he waved the other at Envy.

"OK, bye Envy! Do you want me to bring you back some ice cream?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"OK, eat apple pie!"

"Alright, I will. See ya later." Envy smiled after Wrath, thinking that his little brother in this life was decidedly better than the one he would have had to deal with had he been human. Although it might have been easier to kill him had he been so close, Envy considered. But...'_Naah.'_ This was much better.

------------

**What did you think? Was it at all confusing...?**

**R&R please and tell me what you thought!!**

**This was typed to the following songs:**

**Queen Bee by...I don't know. **

**It Is So Beautiful by...again, I don't know.**

**Square One by Tom Petty ( 3!)**

**And Queen Bee again! XD**


	18. I No Speak!

**This fic was inspired by one of David Sedaris' short stories that had me rolling on the floor. I don't think mine's as funny but I hope you guys all like it FMA style!**

**------**

Lin yawned and stretched, wishing the train would go faster so he could get off and walk around. He didn't understand why so many Amestrians used the railcars. They were such an _uncomfortable_ way to travel.

"Look out, Honey! He's going for your wallet! Damn Xings." The owner of the rough, burly voice glared disapprovingly at Lin as he and his wife made their way down the aisle just as Lin stretched out his arms.

The woman, in a fancy dress with a little white boa and a big floppy hat, clutched her purse to her body with both hands and Lin, smiling inwardly, piped up in "perfect" "English(1)".

"Go for wallet, me?" He asked, wide-eyed. Jumping up, he snatched the man's wallet out of his back pocket and bowed at lightning speed. "I am foreigner here, you thank so very!" he exclaimed before hopping onto the backboard of his seat and fleeing down the length of the traincar.

"Get back here you little bastard!"

"Food for you, kindness, you thank so! Amestris generous, wonderful place yes yes!" Lin dashed out of the car and climbed onto the roof to join Lanfan and Foo.

"Where did you get that, my prince?" Both Foo and Lanfan stared at the money.

Lin grinned, "I no speak this country language."

Both servants rolled their eyes. That was one way to get what you wanted. A way their prince was suspiciously skilled at.

----------------

**(1) I only put English in quotations here because it might really be Japanese... it just depends what language is spoken in Amestris. You get the gist though.**

**Hahaha, go Lin! I hope everyone understood that. He pretended not to understand what they were saying. **

**And for those of you who have read David Sedaris and failed to see the inspiration, the idea was from Pick a Pockettoni. It's in Me Talk Pretty One Day.**

**R&R please!! Pretty please, you give me now review yes yes? Kindess happy me! **


	19. Phone calls

**OK, for the convenience of this author, Lin has obtained a cellphone and everyone knows everyone elses' phone number. Capische?**

**------------------**

"Now you owe me, Ed." Roy smirked at the little drooling blond.

"Wh-what the hell do I owe you for!" Ed snapped out of his slobbery trance.

"I payed for the pizza," Roy said, waving the cardboard boxes around in the air, spreading their scent around. One that, to a starving teenage boy, was oh-too-tantalizing.

"Can't you just get the military to pay for it?" Ed resumed staring and slobbering.

"No, Edward. But I'll settle for something else."

"Like _what?"_

"I want to see you prank call someone."

"But-"

"I have the pizza," Roy reminded him.

"Fine. Who should I call?"

"Whoever you want," Roy osmiled," But you better make it good. I'll put the phone on speaker mode so I can hear it."

"Hey, where'd you send al off to? He's not gonna catch me at this, right?"

"No. I sent him to distract Hughes and Jean. Both of those guys can smell pizza- and prank calls- a mile away."

"Oh... OK. Lemme see..." Ed fumbled through his little brown book looking for phone numbers. "OK, got it." Ed grinned, "I'm calling this Xinganese guy I met the other day."

Roy turned the phone onto speakerphone while Ed dialed.

* * *

"Hello?" 

"My name is... Gluttony! I want to challenge you to a hotdog eating contest!" Ed said in a weird tone of voice. Roy snorted appreciatively at the pause before Lin replied.

"Are the hotdogs free?"

"Only if you win. But if you lose, you have to pay for them and... kiss me!"

"Hmm... Are you the same Gluttony that tried to eat me?"

"The one and only."

"What happened to your voice?"

"Uh... I ate a frog!"

"... ...I think I'll take you up on that offer. Where and when?"

"To get here, you have to... uh," Ed floundered, "Kiss the frog I just ate, see you there!" he slammed the phone down as Lin screeched in indignation, thinking he recognized the voice. Roy laughed and set the pizza down on his desk. Ed hurried over and began devouring it.

"Hey, hey, hey. If you want any more, you'll have to call someone else," Roy tried to shut the box.

"Roy!"

"You've already eaten half of it!"

Ed sulked until a knock on the door startled them both. Jean Havoc let himself in, toting a six-pack of beer. Roy grinned.

"Hand it over, he said."

"No don't!" Ed interrupted. He turned to Roy. "_You_ have to call someone."

Jean's face lit up, "Are you guys doing prank phone calls?"

Roy shook his head but Ed assured Jean in the affirmative.

"C'mon, do it, Chief!" Jean nudged Roy in the side with his elbow and Roy sighed.

"Fine," he picked up the phone and dialed while Ed and Jean exchanged mischievous glances.

* * *

"Hello?" 

"This is an emergency! If you don't learn to cook beef stroganoff by twelve 'o' clock tonight, your family will be annhialated!"

"SIR!!!!" Riza screamed. Roy hung up.

* * *

Edward and Jean exchanged terrified glances. 

"Roy... _what have you done?_" Ed hissed, Jean nodding.

"Don't worry. I do that to her all the time."

"I, smell, PIZZAAAAA!!!" Hughes slammed the door open, Al right behind him.

"Aww, damn," Roy and Jean said at the same time as Maes stuffed two whole pieces of pizza in his mouth.

"Hey! You have to call someone!" Ed yelled. Maes swallowed and looked at him.

"We're doing prank phone calls!" Jean told him.

"Oh, Edward," Al groaned, "You didn't call our teacher, did you?"

"No, Al. I learned my lesson the first time."

"Oh, OK then." Al brightened up, "Can I call someone?"

"You're a weird little brother."

Al grinned and grabbed the phone.

* * *

"Yeah?" 

" She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes!" Alphonse wailed tunefully, "She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes---"

"I HATE THAT SONG! WHO THE f XXX IS THIS?"

After a moment, Ed recognized the voice and whispered, "You called _Envy_?"

"I'm yer Grama, Sonny," Al drawled.

"I DON'T HAVE A fxxxING GRAMA, YOU AXXXX!!!"

"Oh, sure ya do, Boy. But you know, if you keep talkin' ter yer Grama like that and usin' all them bad words, I'm goin' to have to... err..." Al thought hard, "Set you straight. Make you sleep with ma piggies."

"WHAT?"

"I ain't deaf, stop yer cauterwaulin'."

"WHO THE bleep IS bleep bleeping bleep CALLING ME- !BLEEP! $bleep$ !BLEEP BLEEP!- ... what?" Envy was distracted by something. "I don't know who it is, Lust! Some bastard pretending to be my Grama! What do you mean is it Granny Mazur, I don't know any- what? Are you for real? I have a Grama?"

"I told you, Sonny," Al tried not to laugh.

"Oh... Sorry, Grama... ...I didn't know you had pigs."

"I don't," Al spoke in his normal voice," I'm fourteen. You're old enough to be _my_ grama."

"I'M GOING TO bleep XXX YOU SO XXXXX BAD YOU bleep WON'T XXX BE ABLE TO XXXX TAKE A bleep XXX YOU bleeeeeeeep-"

* * *

Al hung up, looking mildly disturbed. Roy, Jean and Maes were leaning on the wall holding their sides while Ed wiped tears off his face. 

Jean knelt in front of the younger Elric, "I kneel to you, Master." He couldn't stop laughing long enoguh to add anything to that.

Since Ed wouldn't let him near the pizza, Maes picked up the phone as soon as he could breathe again.

* * *

"Hello? Heymans here." 

"Yes?" Maes affected a high falsetto, "This is Rainbow from 'Every Color Undies' calling to confirm your order for 500 blue thongs."

"What! No, you've got the wrong guy!"

"Really?...No, that's not possible. The order was for Lieutenant Heymans Breda to be delivered to the daytime office of General Grumman on the 3rd of August-"

"Maes Hughes, is that you?" Breda sounded positively livid.

"Oh, I'm sorry, there's a client here. I must go." Maes slammed down the phone and Roy shook his head.

"You always do that one. Everyone from East Central still remembers 'Rainbow'."

Jean picked up the phone next.

* * *

"Hello?" 

"Mommy?" Jean squeaked at Mrs. Armstrong.

"Oh! Is that you, Catherine?"

Jean looked slightly insulted that he'd been mistaken for Catherine.

"Mommy!" he squeaked again.

"Theresa?" The woman sounded baffled.

"MOMMY!" Havoc shouted into the phone.

"Oh, Alex honey I am so sorry, what can mommy do for you, darling?"

"Ducky," Jean replied calmly.

"... Oh! Are you sleeping in your offfice? Do you need your ducky toothbrush?"

"Daddy!" Jean said.

"Oh! Of course! Philip!" she called, "Philip, Alex wants to speak to you!"

"Yes, My son?" Philip took the phone from his wife.

"Uh, uh," Jean looked intimidated. "Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"Is... is our refridgerator running?"

"Why yes, my son. The same one that Fuhrer President Humperdink gave to my great great-"

"If it's running, you better go catch it!" Jean hung up.

* * *

"Whew!" 

Maes and Ed were laughing their heads off. Then the phone rang and everyone froze.

Roy picked it up carefully, "Hello?"

"Tell the AXXXXXX who called me earlier to come to the phone, I have something for him," Envy's grin could be _heard_. No visuals were necessary to tell the boy-girl was planning something bad.

Al gingerly took the phone from Roy.

"Hello?"

"Oh, the sun'll come out! Tomorrow! Bet your bottom dollar that the sun will shine!"

"I HATE THAT SONG!" Al yelled.

"BWAHAHAHAHA, who doesn't?" Envy spat. He kept singing, but Al hung up on him. Then Ed grinned.

"Here, give me the phone."

* * *

"Hello?" 

"Envy?"

"No, Envy went away. My name's Gluttony."

"Oh... Well, congratulations! Because you just won a free trip to Fat Camp!" Ed improvised.

"Wh-wh-! Are you calling me f_at_?? I'm going to eat you alivE!!! I'm going to swallow-"

Ed hung up very quickly and Al and Roy exchanged glances, hoping Gluttony wasn't going to come and try to eat them all. Ed was only really worried that he would eat the pizza, but that was Ed for you.

Then the phone rang again. Al rolled his eyes, thinking it was Envy again, but when Roy picked it up, Hawkeye's foice came in loud and clear.

And unusually... Seductive. Downright sexy, even.

"Do you know what time it is, _Colonel?_" she said teasingly, purring out Roy's title.

"It's ... eleven forty-eight, why?"

"That beef stroganoff is waiting," she said in very sultry tones. "Oh and... so am I." She hung up. Roy was blushing bright red.

"I'll, uh, be right back," he stuttered. Ed, Jean, Al and Maes followed him silently at a distance.

* * *

Roy crept into the dorms and down a few hallways before stopping, smoothing his hair and clothing and knocking. 

"Oh _my_... If it isn't my colonel. Please come in."

Roy was grinning like a fool.

Until she sprayed him with a hose running from the kitchen faucet.

"You want beef?!" She clocked him over the head with a frozen steak, stunning him as the four sneaks watching collapsed into hearty cackles of laughter.

She swung the meat at him twice more and he flung his hands up in submission.

"Aaa! Please don't hurt me!"

"Hmph. Clean up this mess," she said. "And you four- go to bed!!"

Ed, Al, Jean and Maes fled to their respective sleeping quarters while Roy dejectedly headed to the shower rooms to find towels to mop up the water in the halllway.

* * *

Forty minutes later

_'Knock, knock'_

"Ah..." the sound Riza had been waiting for. "Did you clean up all the water?" she asked Roy as she opened the door.

"Yes."

She eyed him up and down. "Alright. I suppose you can come in."

Roy grinned. He should call Hawkeye more often. Even more often than he already did.

----------------

**Alright! There it is, Ms. Arctic Tumbleweed! I have fulfilled all four of your requests! I hope you enjoyed it.**


	20. It Begins with a Kiss

**OK, everyone say "Thank you" to my wonderful sister, Sesshomaru'sSapphireMaiden because without her giving me the original idea and then helping me with this ficlet, it wouldn't be up here!**

---------------

"I just got a letter from the Fuhrer, requesting that all my subordinates and any other soldiers I should happen to speak to for the next week," Roy paused to think about that oddity for a moment before continuing, "That, in order to save money, the military has switched to a new uniform supplier."

Everyone nodded and shrugged at each other, then went back to their paperwork.

As Roy was heading back to his office, the door bumped open and there in the doorway, stood the FullMetal Alchemist in all his glory. Of course, glory wasn't the word he would've used, really. Ed was covered head to toe in thick, lumpy mud, his shoulders drooping and his expression exhausted.

"Don't you go anywhere, Mustang," he rasped in a dangerous voice.

"Sorry, Ed. Got to get back to work."

"You. Said. That if I dug a tunnel underneath the dairy farm outside the city, I might find the enemy's secret hideout. You know what I found? Results of cows pooping in the same area for hundreds of years!"

Fuery held his nose.

"Yes, well... I never said who the enemy was," Roy said as though that should have been obvious.

"I. Hope. You're. Happy." Ed grit his teeth. "I'm going to go now and wash this jacket in your kitchen sink."

"How do you know where my house is?"

"I know," was all Ed would say and with that he turned and walked away.

"No! Wait! Take it down to the basement, there are washing machines down there!" Roy begged, running after Ed. Al, who was with his brother now, asked, "Do they have a hose?"

The suit of armor was just as muddy, smelled just as bad, as his older brother.

"Uh, there's one out front. Used to water the grass." Roy stared at Alphonse. The Monster from the Black Lagoon could not possibly have looked more frightening nor smelled any worse. Roy noted the hallway was completely empty of any other soldiers.

"I should go roll on your bed! Why did you send me under a dairy farm?!" Ed yelled.

"For the same reason you sealed up my office door last week!"

"You mean you did it because _you_ told me my train which left at _three_ was going to leave at _four_ and made me miss it?!"

"No, I think it had something more to do with you putting laxatives in my coffee!"

"I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't torched my bag of cookies!"

"You stole those! Hawkeye gave them to me!"

"You stole the cupcake Sheska gave me!"

"Because you returned all the books I hadn't read yet to the library!"

"You chased me down the sidewalk in your car!"

"You put a raw fish under the hood!"

"You put dirty pictures in my research notebook!"

"You put a bag of flaming dog shit on my doorstep!"

"You made me come to your stupid Christmas party under threat of court martial!"

"You were the one who didn't look where he was going! You ran into me!"

"You're the one who put the **XXXX**ing mistletoe up in the first place!"

Al shook his head. "First kisses are usually supposed to lead to candlelit dinners and romance, not prank-wars."

Roy and Ed glared at him.

" "What would you know about it?" " They yelled at the same time.

"Whatever. Why don't you two go take a shower together," Al suggested cuttingly. Then he ran out of HQ before his brother could turn him into a thousand tiny thumbtacks to put on Roy's chair.

Roy didn't even notice Al was gone. He was too busy dragging Ed into the shower rooms.

He dragged him under a faucet and let the spray take the first two layers of mud off of the FullMetal Alchemist. Ed rinsed off his arms and hands and pulled Roy under the spray as well. Roy laughed and helped Ed get his red coat off so it could be rinsed more easily.

Roy was also soaked through by the time Ed's clothes had been sufficiently rinsed that they could be put in a washing machine, but he didn't mind. It was almost time for him to go home anyway.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What! Why should I have to post for Military Magazine! That sucks! You have to put on makeup and stay in one position for like a hundred photos and then they only use one! Why do I have to represent the State Alchemists?"

"Look at what you did! If you hadn't gotten me all wet yesterday, the dye from my new uniform wouldn't have TURNED ME BLUE!"

"Well you sent me on some dumbass mission under a dairy farm!"

"You sealed off my office door! I had to burn a new one!"

"Well you..."

Al shook his head. "Ayayay... I never should have told the colonel to hang mistletoe near the bookcase!"

----------

**I couldn't really find a good place for Roy to realize it, but Ed knows where Roy's house is because Roy made him come to his Christmas party which was at his house.**

**Oh and in case it didn't quite come across, the new uniforms are cheaply dyed, so the dye comes out when they get wet and dyes the person wearing it. This happened to my dad once! Same color, too. **

**R&R please!**


	21. Not a Happy Truth

**Insanely random inspiration... and now I have no idea WHY I wanted to write this, but I was weeding and all of a sudden I HAD to write this down.**

**So here you go. This story is called, "Not a Happy Truth".**

**-------------------------------------**

The scene into which we are peering is one in which the almighty Truth is checking his email. He or she is not a happy Truth. Let us look closer to see why.

-----

"Oh my God, no. Not _another_ emo freak cutting themselves over and over again! Why do they have to _do_ that? Why not just once? Then I could just have them find some money on the ground or something, but _nooo_, they coudln't just be happy with that..." he muttered. "Well fine, this one can find a new best friend at the supermarket. Now, who's next?" He paused for a moment and sighed. "Great. He's got cancer and his karma is great. Let's see, I guess he'll have to win the lottery and a free vacation," Truth clicked the mouse, then brightened.

"Oh, good, an easy one! She got mugged. She'll get a promotion and find the perfect new cocktail dress for only three dollars at a thrift store."

----

Ah. Now it is clear. Truth is having to balance the ol' equivalent exchange checkbook. No wonder she is not a happy Truth.

-------------------------------------------------------

**Was it funny? I hope it was amusing.**

**R&R**


	22. Misinformed

**Here's the first ficlet I ever wrote during a class!! Let's all clap for PreCalc!! **

-------------------------

_"Reearr!"_

"No, really it's OK I'm going to take you home where it's dry!"

"Let's go, Al! I'm getting wet and so are your insides!"

"Hang on, Brother, look at this poor little kitt-"

_"ReearrRRR!"_

"For God's sake, Al, it doesn't want to be carried around or rescued. It's just a stupid cat, put it down."

"No! I'm going to bring him back to the-"

_**"RAAEEERREEERR!"**_

Ed grabbed the cat from Al and it clung to his shirt in sixteen places.

"Ugh, get off me," Ed groaned angrily. The cat mewed pitifully and climbed further up his front, trying to nuzzle his chin. Ed continued to try to push the cat away until he heard Al's body clank against the brick wall of the alleyway. The blond looked up, alarmed at Al's stiff posture and the way he was sagging against the wall, his spikes scraping the bricks.

"Al..." Ed whispered, "Al, what's wrong?"

"Why, Brother? It isn't fair! It isn't fair that cats like you even thought you hate them! And you don't even appreciate it! You don't know how lucky you are to have a warm body that cats like!" Al turned and began to run and Ed tried to follow, but the cat dug its claws into him in several places and meowed again.

"Oh, Al. Dammit," Ed pried the cat off and transmuted a shelter for it from the street.

"It's not that I hate kitties, Al," he said to the rain and the empty street, "It's that you never had one and I wanted you to and-" Ed's eyes were brimming. He took a deep breath and headed off to find his poor, wet, misinformed little brother.

------------------------

**I know it was clear in the end, but I hope everyone could tell it was raining in the beginning...otherwise it's confusing.**

**R&R please, it would make me very happy! Mou tanoshii! Hohoende imasu! **


	23. Winry's Strength

**Heh, I thought I was taking a break from fanfiction, but I was inspired by something in Skydark's story Candor, and while I was brushing my teeth this morning, this ficlet came to me. I was thinking of the Eagles song 'Learn to Be Still' when I wrote it, too.**

**--------------------------------------**

"_Geez, you've always been a crybaby, haven't you Winry?"_

Really? Is that it? Well, you've always been an idiot, haven't you Edward?

You think you're so strong, everyone does, but let me ask you this: could you still wield that strength from inside of a home? Would you still refuse to shed tears if you had to stay here and worry? If you had to stay cut-off from the world, never knowing what was happening to the people you knew?

What if this so-called strength everyone associates with you is really your weakness? Never staying still, always fighting, pushing, butting heads- but could you ever stay still? Could you ever just wait? We all know by now that you're more than strong enough to fight. The question is, are you strong enough not to fight?

Or is this a strength that I wield alone? Is it a strength that you will never recognize?

--------------------------------

**That was kind of mean, I'm usually on Ed's side, XD. R&R please.**


	24. Bound Songfic!

**Songficlet! ****Bound**** by Suzanne Vega. This should sound really cool if you YouTube the song and listen to it while reading. **

**R&R, thanks! **

--

"I don't recall sending for you, FullMetal."

"You didn't. I was...hoping you would, that's all."

"And why is that?"

"I have a question for you, I guess."

_The way of the world_

_Has taken its toll_

_Ravaged my body_

_And bitten my soul_

"Ask it then."

"It's not an easy question to ask."

"Why do you do this to me? Come in, say you have something to tell me, or ask me- I'm trying to finish this so I can go home and you're in here rambling. Again."

_Ruined by rain, weathered by wind_

_I've been invaded, without and within_

"Maybe if you'd shut up and listen to me, I'd be able to figure it out."

"Figure _what_ out, Ed? You've been doing this for almost a month now."

"What I'm trying to ask. Or say."

"Can't you please just figure it out and say it already? A _month?_" Roy muttered to himself.

_And I ask, I am asking you_

_Asking you if you might still want me_

_And I ask, Asking you_

_Asking you if you might still want me_

"You know, you used to be a better listener."

"Ed, you're not under my command anymore. You _have_ to look out for your men, however you can. Now you're in command yourself, and I have even more men of my own to look after. Why don't you go see to some of your own instead of bothering me?"

_Once you said_

_I was made of fine stuff_

_I've been corrupted_

_And taken enough_

_Now you appear _

_Making your claim_

_Inside my heart_

_Is the sign of your name_

"You have to take care of your men, but do you really have to _care_? Have you ever really cared about what I had to say?"

"FullMetal..." Roy sighed and massaged his temples.

"Well, could you at least pretend again? Pretend you're really listening?"

_And I ask, I am asking you_

_Asking you if you might still want me_

_And I ask, Asking you_

_Asking you if you might still want me _

"I mean, back when I was younger, you seemed like you really cared about me. I...I just... Agh, I'm..."

_All these words, like "darling" and "angel" and "dear"_

_Crowd my mouth, in a path to your ear_

"FullMetal," Roy groaned.

"I'm getting close, OK! Just hang on, I'm trying!"

_The way of the world_

_Has taken its toll_

_Ravaged my body_

_And bitten my soul_

_-_

_And I ask, I am asking you_

_Asking you if you might still want me_

_And I ask, Asking you_

_Asking you if you might still want me_

"Please just say it, I'll listen."

"Well, but, first- It's really important. For me to know...whether you still care. About me."

"Please tell me why."

"Because...I still care whether you care or not."

"You shouldn't."

"I do, dammit- Mustang! Just tell me, because I care whether I should or not! I care!"

_When I said, "I am bound to you forever"_

_Here's what I meant: "I am bound to you forever."_

"I did care."

"Could you, again? I want you to. That's what I'm trying to say. I want you to care. You've been...there. Ever since I joined this military, you've been there whether I wanted you to be there or not. And... Now that you're not, I want you to be. Really."

The now-middle-aged Mustang lifted his lined and faintly wrinkled face to Ed more fully. He looked at the physically mature but confused man in front of him, and a glimpse of the funny-looking child that had once hated him with a passion danced before his eyes, a mirage created by his mind.

"Yes, Edward. Come here."

Ed hopped off the couch and headed toward the man. He'd never find the right word for him- commading officer, surrogate father, guidance couselor, no. He was none of those. Not quite a friend. Yet, anyway. Maybe one day, he could be. Or something entirely different.


	25. Like a Kid in a Candy Store

**Don't you just love office supply stores? Doesn't everyone? The clean paper, tidy, unused notebooks...stickers. XD **

**--**

"Sir, I'm taking my lunch break now and I'm going to go by the Candy Store. Anything I should pick up for you?"

"Would you pick me up a rubber grip for this pen? My hand is starting to cramp up."

"Sure thing, Boss."

"I need some more post-it notes," Fuery piped up.

"Kittens or dolphins?"

"Dolphins this time," was the grateful reply.

Breda watched Havoc make a circuit around the room, scribbling down a list of items Breda was sure did _not_ reside in the candy shop down and across the street. Instead of asking, which would result in the usual chaos of Fuery trying to explain, but being spoken over by Falman, who would include every last detail that could be considered at _all_ relevant in a monotone voice until Mustang told him it wasn't important anyway, and they had all better get back to work, _now_, Breda simply followed Jean out of the office and down to the library, which did not contain rubber pen grips, dolphin sticky notes, extra pencil lead, whiteout, or anything else on Jean's list. It did, however, contain a little prodigy alchemist and his brother.

Jean started to smile as he walked toward Ed and Al, and Breda knew something was up. Jean liked Ed, but not enough to grin the way he was just upon seeing the boy.

"Hey, Ed! I'm going to Mitchell's Office Supply. Wanna come?"

Ed's eyebrows shot up, his eyes got very big and round, and his mouth stretched into a big, goofy grin. Even his cheeks seemed to be rosy with glee as he nodded so hard it looked like his neck was going to snap.

'_Ha! Like a kid in a candy store__**.**__ ...Oh.'_

--

**Just a little short one, this time. R&R please!**


	26. That's Why

**Just a little fun, nothing really good. R&R if you would be most kind.**

**--------------------------------------**

It was Ed's first time to Central Military HQ. Understandably, both he and his brother were very disoriented and uncertain, but with the help of several friendly young secretaries on various floors and in various departments, the Elrics had finally made their way to the office of (now Colonel) Roy Mustang and crew. Edward was understandably feeling very cocky when they finally arrived.

"Hey, Mustang!"

Al slapped a hand to his forehead.

"Hm? Oh. Are you..." Mustang looked down at a note on his desk.

"Wait." He looked up at Ed suddenly. "_Edward Elric?_"

Ed sprouted his huge, cocky grin and raised his right arm up to show it off.

"Didn't recognize me, huh?"

"I-...I was sure you would've grown!"

Little Edward's ego deflated like a punctured balloon.

- - - - -

"And _that_ is why Brother hates the colonel."

"OhhHHhh."


End file.
